sofrito gringo

Roasted Eggplant & White Bean Soup with Tangerine Gremolata

2011-12-14T19:06:00.002-05:00

I'm hanging my head a little, and it's not just from the migraine that's kept me mostly non-functioning for a few days now. This post is a week late. In fact, not only did I miss the first deadline, I missed the second one!* sigh See, a couple of weeks ago a few of us were casually discussing comfort food on Twitter (as we often do, I wish I could surround myself with these people IRL so I could feel "normal") and the idea for a blogger collective soup-a-thon was born. Or something like that, who ever knows when I'm retelling the story? My first thoughts were along the lines of "yay, FINALLY a group-cooking effort I can easily participate in!!!" I've been creating soups out of seemingly nothing for the better part of the last 27 years (yeah, for realz! I'm THAT old!). Then I saw the mandatory ingredients -- eggplant, beans, and orange peel -- and I started whining, moping, and rending my garments. At which point, The Mister and The Dog rolled their eyes at me and put me on ignore for a few days.

*in another post I will address my fear of failure/success as it relates specifically to meeting deadlines

So this went on forever, and in the meantime Mo came back from the store with the best-looking eggplant he could find, one of only two at nearby supermarkets, which in this case meant something that looked almost unnaturally big, dark, and barely still fresh. I guess it's not a popular food item here in the hinterlands of NC? in early December? Hrmpf! I couldn't even bear to look at it; yes, mediocre produce gets the sideeye from me. See kids, when I think of eggplant, I think of those lovely lavender-hued ones I grew up on in Puerto Rico that I've occasionally managed to find at Summer farmers' markets here in the continental US. As an alternative, the long & skinny Japanese ones will do. But those big, dark purple things you USians are used to... eh, they've seemed ok for breading and turning into eggplant parm and such, but not anything requiring elegance and delicacy. I know, this is why The Mister rolls his eyes at me. By the way, part of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that the aforementioned has stated several times that eggplant is one of his least favorite foods ever, and also that The Boy is very picky about any new foods.

After all my kvetching (yes, PuertoRicans can kvetch, except we call it jirimiquear), I realized I better get myself in gear and figure something out, so I pawed through my cookbooks. Found nothing to inspire me there, except eggplant caviar, which sounds fascinating & delicious yet was no help for me here. So I hit the web, and after reading quite a few recipes, I settled on making a mashup of the one I found at Israeli Kitchen, and the one on Smitten Kitchen. Except that we are not creamy-soup people, we like our soups chunky. Which meant that adding the beans was easy, especially since we've made plenty of minestrone and pasta e fagioli from the America’s Test Kitchen Family Cookbook, which then led me to decide to also add pasta to the soup (I never need much of an excuse to add pasta to anything, I even love spaghetti pizza!). But I still had no idea how to incorporate the orange peel, which in my case would be tangerine because I have this weird allergy to oranges and no other citrus fruit. I went to bed on that Monday night, stressed out about how to incorporate that last component into a soup I had to make the next day in order to meet the deadline (heh!), and woke up with gremolata on my mind the next morning. D’uh, sometimes I know more than I think I know!!!

I took to heart what Deb at Smitten Kitchen said in her recipe, about roasting the vegetables for extra depth of flavor. I also decided to roast the garlic in a separate pan, and to puree the garlic & onion after roasting to “beef up” the broth (and also to keep The Boy from complaining about the onions).

Roasted Eggplant & White Bean Soup with Tangerine Gremolata

makes appx 10 servings

1 lb dry white beans (we used Great Northern), pre-soaked**
4 qts water (I use distilled)
1 tsp sea salt
1 large bay leaf
1 tsp dried thyme (or 1 Tbsp fresh)
1 Tbsp dried basil (or 2 Tbsp fresh, chopped)
4 cups chicken broth***
1 large eggplant, or 2 medium, halved lengthwise and scored
3 - 4 carrots, peeled
1 large onion, peeled, trimmed & halved
1 - 2 bell pepper, cored, seeded & halved6 large garlic cloves, peeled
1 lb short pasta, preferably tube-shaped

Extra virgin olive oil

salt & pepper to taste

for the gremolata:

¼ c fresh parsley, minced
3 garlic cloves, minced
zest from 1 tangerine (appx 1 ½ tsp)

** There are many theories as to the best way to soak dry beans. I prefer to do a quick salt-soaking method with my dry beans: for every pound of beans dissolve 3 Tbs salt in 2 qts boiling water; combine dry, rinsed beans with hot salt water in pot and let soak for 1 hour (off the burner). Drain beans, discarding the soaking liquid, and rinse before continuing with the recipe.
*** I prefer to use Kirkland chicken stock or Pacific chicken broth as they have a cleaner flavor profile for me than other brands

Bring the beans, water, and salt to a gentle boil. Reduce immediately to a gentle simmer, add the bay leaf and cook, stirring occasionally, until beans are tender. Which, depending on the type of water you use and the quality of your beans, may take anywhere between 1 - 2 hours (we buy the generic supermarket beans, so ours always seem to take at least 2 hours!). Try a bean around the 45min - 1 hour mark to check the texture. If it’s still sort of hard instead of creamy, you’ve got some time to go yet. But you can go ahead and add the thyme, basil, and broth at this point.

In the meantime, set a rack in the center of your oven and the temperature to 400 degrees. I used a large shallow bowl to coat the eggplant, carrots, onion, bell pepper and garlic with the oil. Transfer to large baking pan (I put the garlic in a separate smaller pan so I could remove it after 10 minutes), place in oven, and delight in the smells. Now’s a great time to indulge in a glass of wine, a bottle of hard cider, or whatever floats your boat. And mix up the gremolata ingredients -- I had a couple of teaspoons of oil left in the shallow bowl I used for the vegetables, and I mixed that in with the parsley, raw garlic and tangerine zest in a small bowl. Set aside. I removed my vegetables from the oven at the 35 min. mark but I could’ve probably given them another 5 -10 mins. So, just watch them, make sure they get nice brown spots but don’t burn. Let them cool enough to handle, then scrape the eggplant off the skin with a spoon. I like to cut the rest of the vegetables to a size comparable to the beans and the chunks of eggplant. And I puréed all the roasted garlic and onion plus half the bell pepper in my small processor before adding to the soup. Cook together for about 10 minutes, add salt & pepper to taste, then add the pasta, turning up the temperature on the stove to Medium. Cook for however long the pasta manufacturer says it needs to be al dente. Then turn the stove off. I followed a Test Kitchen technique for Osso Buco, whereby you stir half the gremolata into the pot just before serving, then sprinkle a little on top of the individual portions. Ta-dá!!!

My thoughts: I tried this soup with and without the gremolata, and preferred it without. I found that the roasted vegetable flavor got lost when I added the last element. The Mister had the same reaction. I think the other two things I want to do differently next time is use a vegetable stock, and a parmesan rind. This is a very, very hearty, filling soup and I would suggest that if you prefer brothy-er soups, you can certainly make it without the pasta and it will still be a fairly hearty soup due to the beans. I didn’t have the ideal short pasta for this, like ditalini, so I threw in the ziti I did have.

Your thoughts? comments? Please visit the other #souperbowl posts and get some great, delicious ideas for your future soups!

conversations

2006-09-04T12:27:00.000-04:00

when I was little, there was a running joke among my parents' mega-intellectual friends. We all lived near the university, and a lot of them were either professors there or they were working towards that goal. So the story goes that one day, Carlos was driving in the dark on his way home (after a long day at school, student-teaching and working on his dissertation) when he saw this huge, illuminated billboard with a single word that caused him profound excitement and roused his spirits despite his exhaustion. He came home to his wife and told her that apparently the government had started a wonderful and simple campaign that would surely have tremendous social consequences: he'd just driven past a sign that said "CONVERSE", people were being encouraged to talk to one another! His (American) wife, also a graduate student but ever the more practical of the two of them, gently broke it to him that the word on the sign was not a verb as he'd thought but rather the name of a company nearby that had a new shoe factory.

Their circle of friends lapped it up and repeated the story through the years, presumably as a reminder to never over-intellectualize things, although it never really stopped any of them from doing so. For years, I giggled every time we drove by that sign but I think deep down I did internalize the word as a verb. I'm no good at chit-chat. Don't get me wrong, I *can* do it but it exhausts me and makes me feel cheap, almost like I'm dirty and smelly with a big sign on my forehead that says "FAKE" in neon ligths. Have I said this before here? I don't remember. I'm the kind of person that wants to be able to sit with you somewhere comfortable and find out what you think, not about the weather or the latest celebrity breakup but about EVERYthing. I like to be able to have conversations about what makes people tick, why they get out of bed in the morning and why they want what they want and believe what they believe. Does that make me "intense"? I know some people have told me I'm too pushy, which horrified me because I don't ever push my beliefs on people (I don't think, at least I try not to), I just want to get to know them at a deeper level... which I guess is pushing intimacy, to a level that most people in this bullshit-coated society just aren't comfortable with. d'uh, funny the things I can figure out while I'm typing, I really need to do it more.

One of the reasons I haven't posted lately is because I'm very introspective right now. As much as I've been trying to get to know others at a deeper level, and reading blogs is so great for that, I've been finding it so very hard to open up and let others get to know me right now. There are so many parts of me that I feel protective over, that are too vulnerable, and I need to find a way to get past that and open up. It was the whole purpose of having a blog, having a place to air out my feelings, ideas, frustrations and my whole life. Mo and I had a big "feelings" talk last night. I feel bad for him because I've got enough angst for the two of us and sometimes I'm afraid that it'll drive a wedge in our relationship. He says he loves that about me, most of the time... except when I start grilling him about having feelings that he apparently doesn't have. *sigh* So, I guess I am pushy?
***

Last night, conversation around the dinner table was 99% about this year's football season, college and Pro. heh. All I had to contribute was that I heard the other day (on TV) that Clinton Portis' most recent injury shouldn't be so bad as to keep him out of the regular season. Mo's a huge Redskins fan, so I try and at least have a clue. However, the rest of the convo went over my head, it was like they were speaking Chinese. *sigh* Then Hyde spent most of the night farting, these noxious, loud and way-too-frequent fumes until I finally sent him to his room so that we wouldn't ALL have to suffer. Mo and Hyde were cracking up over the farting, while I really don't see what's so funny. Between the sports talk, the farting humor and the frequent comments about random boners, semi-chubs, and all manner of penis-related topics I'd rather not know about, I'm more convinced than ever that I need a daughter (or two), someone who likes sports as well as art, ballet, classical music. Someone whose biological functions I can relate to. But that's a whole other conversation right there...

National Association Of W Lovers

2006-08-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know why but I love this song! And El Niño is obsessed with the letter W (I've mentioned this here before) so he's positively transfixed when I play this for him.

When the computer crashed last week, the one good thing that happened was that, once we got the PC back up and restored, the sound finally started working again. It mysteriously stopped working a few months after I bought the computer, and it was never a huge issue for us, I never cared enough to do anything about it. With the advent of YouTube and other video hosting sites over the past year, things are totally different now and I can honestly say that I'm enjoying the fact that I can now watch AND listen to all sorts of things on our PC.

ugh!!! (or, why I'm throwing myself a pity-party)

2006-08-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

our (desktop) PC crashed on Saturday, I'm still not really sure why. It's been nerve-wracking for me to be without access to the Internet and it's a royal pain in the ass to try to restore the computer back to where I had it before the crash. I'm not even halfway done and I'm already frustrated and pissed. The OSs had to be reinstalled (Win 98 first, then XP on top) and now all the miscellaneous software that makes my life convenient has to be downloaded, setup, etc. I had no backup this time for my Outlook address book (last time this happened, I at least had the info on my PDA), so right now I don't even have my best-friend's phone number or email addy.

I'm now totally convinced that my next computer will be a Mac (as soon as that unexpected-anxiously-awaited-money comes in) because I'm sick of worrying about viruses and buggy software and having to be a pseudo sys-admin to keep the computer healthy and working right. I crave plug-n-play convenience and have been told by many that Macs offer that, so Mo and I have decided that a Mac lappy's in our future. Oh, and I know I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again: Picasa ROCKS!!! I've been using it for over a year and it's better/easier than pretty much any other photo software I've used (FYI, I'm not well-versed in Photoshop). Well, it just effortlessly restored all the pictures that were in my hard drive, I didn't even have to use the last backup disk that I'd made with Picasa's easy-peasy backup feature. Why isn't Microsoft software as user-friendly as Google's??? If I had any money to invest, I'd be buying me some Google stock. I love their email, chat and photo software, including the new Web Albums feature (that'll be competing with Flickr soon I bet, and I can't wait for them to add a video feature to the albums so they can totally own me).

Oh, and El Niño and I are sick, on top of everything. It's quite a challenge to deal with a computer in need of massive work when one's body feels like an eighteen-wheeler's driven over it, one's head is totally congested, and one's teething toddler is also sick and congested and refuses to eat or sleep. I'll go crawl into a fetal position now...

blah, blah, blah-di-blahblah...

2006-08-18T11:00:00.000-04:00

I'll take a break now from discussing babycarriers to dish about one of my other favorite things: shoes! I recently got myself a pair of Croc-offs (pictured) because I went in to Payless looking for something else and when I saw these, I just HAD TO have them and fortunately I'd just gotten some birthday money. They're very comfy, and contribute to my ongoing habit of dressing like a toddler. (I think the last time I dressed like an adult was for a wedding we attended a couple months ago) I know a lot of people just loooooove to go on and on about how fugly Crocs are, and I sorta agree. But periwinkle tie-dye? You had me at periwinkle, baby! Now the clever folks at Crocs have come out with two more mainstream-looking designs for the Fall, one of which is a Mary Jane. OMG!!! It's like the best of all worlds... If, like me, you're convinced that Crocs are a blessing to anyone who walks and/or stands on their feet all day, Journeys has them right now in a few colors, or you can wait until the Fall release next month (which will offer more color options). I had to go try the MJ on and am totally sold, it's waaaaaaay cuter than the regular Crocs but still just as comfy. Mo will soon be getting one of the Rx options they offer, and I'll be getting the MJs as soon as I can pick a color.

Staying on the subject of shoes, El Niño totally screwed us over by outgrowing his practically-new-just-bought 'em-in-June shoes. I'm so glad they were all shoes from babyGap that we'd bought on clearance. (in case anyone's wondering, this isn't surreptitious product placement or blogvertising... this is really me propping up the stuff I like, and I plan to do that often because I'd like to make sure the products that work for me stick around, unlike the china and flatware we registered for when we got married) Buying shoes for this child is tricky because he seems to have a high instep and very sweaty feet. All-leather shoes are out, and a lot of slip-ons are as well because they won't, hrm, slip on. We'd bought him a pair of Ecco sneakers we all loved but he outgrew too fast, then we tried a pair of Stride Rite sandals that were extremely cute but he kept taking them off and much to my chagrin I saw they left red marks all over his feet. The two pairs of babyGap sandals he liked so much he'd put them on at home, while he was otherwise running around naked (great way to potty-train, more on that in a few). I'm finding that a lot of the shoes at babyGap are actually excellent, very bendy soles and well-made enough to take a beating being worn to the playground every day, as well as the constant toddler on/off at home. And of course I only buy them after they've been marked down at least three times and cost less than $10, because if I remember correctly from my days as a Gap employee (a lifetime ago), their markup on footwear and accessories is 300+%, and I'm not paying that. Unfortunately, he wore his verycute sandals for two and a half months before busting out of them to a size 8. Seriously, we were caught with our pants down again and at a difficult stage of Summer-to-Fall retail transition. (I wish I could shop at thrift stores like Dutch but I never find anything other than books to buy there) So, we were out on the Eastside on Tuesday for a business-sushi-lunch and managed afterwards to go to the Marshall's store at Lloyd Center and score some great deals on shoes for all of us, including our third and only successful attempt to get comfortable Stride Rites for El Niño and some Cross Country sneaks for Hyde. Oh, remember the toddler-sized blue flame Chucks I wanted to get? We finally got those too, for $12 at Freddy's, woo-hoo!!! But they don't fit yet, these are a size 9 so maybe next month... and I guess they're not really flames as much as a tattoo design. Whatever... he keeps trying to put them on, it's cute.
***
On the potty training front, El Niño's been consistently staying dry overnight for over two weeks now. This is huge! Now all we have left to do is get him used to staying dry while he's wearing something... a note to the fine, hardworking people at Kimberly Clark: the idea of the "feels cool/wet" liner in your Huggies Pull-Ups product is clever but it doesn't work for a lot of boys who couldn't care less about being wet or slightly cool in their crotch. I have no experience with potty training girls but I can promise you that *my* boys could lay in enough wetness to constitute a pond and neither one would care one bit, it wouldn't signal to them "hey, you need to go to the potty NOW, Bud!" Oh, and the fit is horrible on skinny boys, El Niño's pants always get soaked when he pees in his Pull-Ups. Can you guys do something about that too?
***
The talking thing is progressing now at quite a clip, and last week we were surprised when Hyde was heading out the door and El Niño went running after him, yelling "byyyyyyyeeeeee, I wuuuuv uuuuuu!" Sentences are becoming commonplace, and it's clear that English dominates at least his spoken language skills, even if he still understands what I say to him in Spanish. What's funny is that he's also making more of an effort to use signs now, after a few months where he wasn't really trying to use them. The other day he even grabbed my hand and "forced" my fingers to make a sign he was having trouble with, and had forgotten the spoken word for, it was one of those awesome moments where maternal joy and pride just welled up inside me and almost knocked me out.
***
Sesame Street has begun their newest season, with a much-heralded "lead female" puppet character, Abby Cadabby*. I'm not crazy about this pink puppet with fairy wings and I'm not convinced that she's a necessary addition to the SS cast of characters... call me cynical but I have a nagging suspicion that this was more marketing-driven than anything else (with less Federal money going to fund public television, they've gotta find ways to pay for the show and they've gotta compete with Dora and the Disney Princesses, right?). Don't even get me started on Elmo and his takeover of about a third of the show, blech. The good news is that by adding this new character they've also had to add new content, and it looks like this season the show's being truer to its roots as a result: I've noticed more songs and more of the educational content that I grew up loving. If you're wondering why I care so much about the show, it's because I benefitted immensely from watching SS when I was an intellectually precocious and bilingual little girl. And I was also (28 years ago) one of the kids CTW used to review content for its shows. Most children's television is garbage, and I wasn't happy with the direction SS was taking in the last couple of years I've been watching. So, I'll be watching and probably commenting on Abby in the near future. Oh, and can I just say that for some twisted reason, Cadabby in my brain gets turned into cadaver, so she's Abby Cadaver to me? Oy!
* I would've linked to the New York Times article, which was pretty interesting to read (especially between the lines) but apparently they now require you to subscribe even if you just want to read one piece...
***
We met our opposites on Saturday... at the Lloyd Center MAX stop on the way home. Mo heard the dude talking and asked me what language he was speaking, and I told him Spanish. My husband's ears perked up and he immediately asked me to go over there and "freak him out" by speaking Spanish to him. For some weird reason, he finds this sexy, that people are surprised by my unaccented efforts at communicating with them in Spanish. Except that this man is as fair-skinned as I am (or more, he's blonder than Mo), so I was certain it wouldn't even faze him. And it didn't. Well, dude's my freakish-counterpart-PuertoRican, living right here in Portland with his Indiana-born wife and three kids. Some pleasant conversation was had and phone numbers were exchanged. As busy as we seem to always be (I don't even know how that happens or how we even have friends still), it *would* be nice to add The Opposites to our social circle. I miss hearing Spanish spoken in my accent... not to be a snob or anything (which I guess I kinda am) but after a while, hearing only the Mexican accent really gets old. And I think it'd really be good for my boys to be around other bilingual/bicultural kids with a similar background. I've called and left a message and now it's their turn. Tag you're it & hope they call back!
***
I haven't really caught up yet on everything I need to get out of my system but at least this is a start (especially since I started writing this post on Saturday). I have some deep thoughts I need to hack up out of my brain like a hairball but I'm not there yet. Happy Friday!

Update: Abby Cadabby was named "Person of the Week" by the ABC WNT crew... sheeeesh, it's like I have my finger on the pulse of our culture or something!

help?!?!?

2006-08-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

I've been offered the opportunity to work part-time from home doing some Spanish/English translation and/or interpretation services. This may turn out to be an easy way for me to contribute to our currently struggling household finances. The businessman offering this opportunity is even willing to print out some business cards for me (at his expense) but has asked me to come up with a business name to put on the cards and maybe a little art to go with it. Hmmmmmmm... I'm really drawing a blank here, no creative juices flowing in this head, in fact I've been trying to kill off a migraine since 4am. Anyone got ideas for me??? I can't promise cookies, like one of my friends has in the past, but my undying gratitude will *surely* reap spiritual rewards for you...

some fashion show pics

2006-08-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

I love sharing pictures... some of these aren't all that great but I didn't get to take any of them so I can't complain. The first is of me, modeling a blue Panel Kozy (with a borrowed child on my back). The next one is of another local mamma, modeling a Bling Panel Kozy. *sigh*

The third pic is of Mo modeling the bECO XO, with El Niño on his back. The fourth, fifth and sixth pics are of the totally awesome Amautik. If you saw the movie Atanarjuat: the Fast Runner, you saw the traditional Amautiks made of skins and fur and decorated with beautiful designs; the one Kristi is modeling in these pictures is a modern version made with modern materials. Mo and I joke sometimes about moving up to Alaska ("just how much further away from our families can we go?"), and if we wind up doing it, I'm *totally* getting an Amautik!

The last picture is of me, breastfeeding onstage during the show. Woo-Hoo!

it wasn't BlogHer but it was MY kind of cool... part 2

2006-08-08T17:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'll confess that the first ridiculous/obnoxious thing I did at the conference was on Wednesday afternoon when I went to the volunteers' meeting at Reed. (in case you're wondering, I took MAX and then a bus to get there from where I live in Beaverton) I had El Niño in the panel Kozy and Kelley Mason, the wonderful mamma who sewed it, was pretty much at the door when I arrived. She hugged me right away and we chatted like old friends. Then my friend Lori came down the stairs and suprised me! She's visiting from UAE and we'd kept missing one another while she was in town. Our whole group of volunteers and visitors toured the gorgeous Reed campus and went over some last minute stuff for the conference. Then everyone went around, drooling over everyone else's "stash" and I asked Kelley if I could go in her room & pet all the Kozys she'd brought! My uncivilized behavior went downhill from there...

Thursday was amazing, to be surrounded by babywearing mammas, to see so many different & beautiful kinds of carriers all in one place (even an Amautik that night during the first fashion show meeting!). I've never experienced this before -- I just recently joined the Portland NINO group and haven't yet been to a meeting -- so it was quite exciting and strangely comforting for me, like I was in a happy dream that I didn't want to wake up from. It felt like I was finally among my own kind. I was discussing it with Mo that night on the way home (on the bus), that it felt great to walk around during breaks and see lots of people -- moms AND dads -- meandering while they wore and snuggled their babes, and to see mammas happily and comfortably nursing everywhere. Ahhhhhhh, if only this was such a normal sight to see in the general population! I've been told that babywearing & NIP is a much more common sight in the NE and SE neighborhoods of Portland but where I live on the West side it's very rare. Oh, and to top off my day, Lori surprised me by giving us a beautiful batik embroidered FreeHand MeiTai, which my honeys napped in on Saturday.

This conference was an awesome opportunity to meet babywearing celebrities (like Maria Blois, author of Babywearing: The Benefits and Beauty of this Ancient Tradition) and many mammas who are starting their businesses and will likely be very successful in the next few years. There were also literally tons of carriers to see, touch and compare (we affectionately refer to them as fluffies, BTW). I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and excited all at the same time. I loved being there... it was still like a dream by day three. Even my normally-shy & reserved husband was chatting with everyone and having a great time. I met so many wonderful mammas and their kids. I learned so much. It's really hard to describe just how it feels to have this kind of opportunity, to learn about the creative process that goes into each person's sling design, to learn about the highs and lows of having a business (how many times did I hear one or another of them say that they wished they could give more carriers away and that they didn't get into this to make money but to spread the love?), to watch them be clumsy, creative, silly, clever, witty, loving, frazzled... to hold and love on so many other people's kids. I held so many babies I thought my uterus would figure out a way to self-pollinate! Oy!!!

OMG, did you *know* how gorgeous ChicKen ScRatch RingSlings are??? I must be living in a cave or something because I just hadn't realized it, and I don't even care for ring slings, seriously. But I'd volunteered to help at Along for the Ride's booth in the exhibit hall on Saturday and got to see and pet several of them up close. I think Kristen Gallagher (the owner) thought I was being really helpful and nice by staying at her booth to help as long as I did but I just really wanted to be close to all those prettyful slings she was selling! As Lori would say: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Kristen thanked me at the end of the day with a Brown Velveteen Hotsling that I just can't stop touching or looking at. I'll post pictures of my two new carriers soon... But I can't say enough how special it was to help people find a carrier they loved and were comfortable in.

We had a fashion show on Saturday night (sponsored by EllaRoo) and I think all the manufacturers tried to show off at least a few new products/colorways at the show. I'd volunteered all my guys to model but Hyde came back from Camp with an injured leg and had to stay home. Then Kelley asked me to model one of her panel Kozys, and I was honored. Of course, I had to say yes because she was asking. (I have a whole other post to write on the subject of me modeling) In addition to carriers, we had nursing clothes that had been donated for the show, so I got two tops out of that. One of them was multistriped and didn't match any of the carriers, so it was decided that I'd just walk out on stage with my boy in arms, tilt him sideways and nurse. All I could think about when I heard that were my mother's and Mo's mom's reactions if they knew: they'd be horrified!!! The show was chaotic backstage, and made me think of Dutch at BlogHer, since Mo and Kelley's husband got to see a lot of half-naked women running around backstage, trying to keep the show going at a nice clip by tossing off clothes and carriers before putting on the next ensemble. It was fun to get a sneak peek at some things that aren't yet available for purchase. There was the EllaRoo Extra Fino Rebozo that had a beautiful sheen to the fabric; I didn't get to pet it because I only ever saw it on Charlie Mason (of the Kozy Masons; I make it a point to never caress other women's husbands). But it looked really nice and soft, and the dark/light grays in it made it look very sophisticated. I really liked the contrast of browns in the new Moby-D too, very earthy and warm (much nicer IRL than in pictures). *sigh* There were so many beautiful carriers!!! (have I said that already?) The colors & pattern of the EllaRoo Selendang were rich, and I was surprised that it didn't have a "wrong" side to it. I really wanted Mo to wear that one too and was bummed that he couldn't because El Niño was having a meltdown. He did get to model the new bECO XO, he was actually the perfect model for it because at 6'5" 285lbs, he's exactly the kind of user it was designed for. Not only that but he loves it for its comfort and ease of use, so we'll be getting one soon. Gabby Caperon, the designer/CEO behind the bECO and Ecobabies, modeled one of the Fall Collection Hotslings, a (crocheted?) turquoise lace overlay on navy cotton sateen.* Yum! I want this one sooooo badly. And Kristi Hayes of Gypsy Mama was probably one of the biggest hits of the evening, since she not only modeled the most amount of carriers including the Amautik (I need to get her permission to post those pics) but at one point her toddler was so sick of going out on stage that she told him it would be a game and he should run towards her onstage... which he did, and she ran towards him, caught him, and wrapped him on her back so fast everybody was talking about it for the next two days (and he was laughing). The woman can wrap, and we have a huge crush on her. In fact, we were crushing on her so hard that at one point I was worried she'd think we wanted her to become our "sister wife" (and no, we're not into that). She's just another truly awesome, creative, funny woman & mamma that we were lucky to spend time with this weekend.

Ok, I need to go to bed so I'm just gonna mention a couple of other things that got my attention: the white Nori vest made out of solarveil fabric; it isn't up on their site yet, only the WindPro fleece one is. I think it's supposed to be a swimsuit coverup-type piece of clothing. Regardless, their fleece vest is definitely worth checking out. The MOM Tai with hydration pack; the water pack is stored in a cargo-type pocket on the back of the carrier and it holds 50oz; I've wanted something like this so many times! And then there's Rebecca of maMa by Design who makes beautiful carriers and bags, as soon as I can afford to I'm getting her to make a OOAK custom diaper bag to fit all my (neurotic) requirements. And her MeiTai has a very creative design twist to it that allows for the child's legs to be strapped in to the carrier, making it easier to put on, switch positions, and take off safely. My favorite of the ones she had for sale at the exhibit hall was the fairy-print fabric one w/ detachable fairy wings (for your tot to wear) that was absolutely adorable! I was very impressed with her designs and creativity.

A huge thank you to Jennifer Rosenberg (and her very supportive husband Andrew, daughters and parents) for this major undertaking in making the conference happen. And to Über-volunteers Kristine, Arwyn, Kelly, Nichol and Leslie for EVERYTHING. Also to Alison for lending me her adorable 3yo son so I could model a panel Kozy in the fashion show when my own child was having a complete meltdown. It was so sweet, he fell asleep on me before I even got him in the Kozy!!!

We didn't get to go on Sunday, Mo & El Niño apparently caught a cold and I twisted my ankle after the fashion show. It was so hard to say goodbye to everyone on Saturday night. I will definitely make the effort to go to the next conference in two years, wherever it is (probably the East Coast).

* as an aside, I wanted to add that if I'd been the right size -- a 3, I'm a 4 -- Kristen DeRocha (the woman who owns and designs Hotslings) would've given me the sling... Yeah, these women are THAT nice! This is after she was walking by our booth that afternoon and took the time to help me explain some things about the fit and design of her sling to a couple that had their baby in a New Native pouch that was at least one size too big.

it wasn't BlogHer but it was MY kind of cool

2006-08-07T15:42:00.000-04:00

So, we went to the Babywearing Conference at Reed College this past weekend and worked as volunteers. I was SO happy to be a part of this effort! A lot of people I know looked at me like I had grown another head when I talked about the conference and even invited them to attend. I don't understand why anyone who *knows* me would think this is such a strange thing, it's not like it was a Gun & Knife Show or a Hobby Plane Convention... I've already written about why I am such an advocate for babywearing, even though I hate the label as much as I hate the labels Attachment Parenting and Elimination Communication.

Babywearing falls in line with my gentle parenting philosophy, which is basically to attend to my child's needs in a loving way so that he can grow up knowing he is loved and respected. Is that so fruity or out there? There's also a huge element of practicality and convenience, as I can easily get stuff done with my kid strapped onto my body and I can keep him safe & comfortable at the same time. I find strollers to be very inconvenient for many activities -- like taking the bus in an urban setting or going to feed the livestock when you live on a farm (like I used to). Even going to the Zoo is a PITA with a stroller because you have to get the kid out of the thing and lift him up in arms to show him the animals, over and over and over again... And with all the current debate about nursing in public (insert rolling eyes here), some mothers find it easier to breastfeed discreetly while their child is in a carrier -- I admit I haven't mastered this yet -- and they can also get things done while their child is nursing! The arguments in favor of babywearing are really too many for me to continue to list here, mostly because I just want to go ahead and share what an awesome time I had for the past few days. If you want to know more, read here, here and here, plus I encourage you to do your own research. I always prefer to do my own search for information. If I have one more of my friends tell me that they don't wear their baby anymore because it makes their back hurt, I'll scream. Would you stop wearing shoes just because the ones you've tried make your feet hurt? Or would you find a pair that works? (I have more analogies, like to jeans for example, if you're interested) Maybe the carrier you have doesn't work for you but another one will, if you try.

Actually, the other thing I want to say on this subject is that, from a Feminist standpoint, I also find that most all of the small businesses that have sprouted up to support the babywearing community are managed by women... creative, gentle, strong, amazing women who support (wholly or in part) their families by designing and sewing carriers or products that go on to help other women enjoy their children and their life. By buying their products, I support other women and their children and that makes me feel really, really good.

More about the actual conference in a bit...

broken strands

2006-07-19T01:36:00.000-04:00

I've had so much going on, in real life as well as in my head, that I haven't had the time or words to get it all out... It feels like I have these strands of ideas, so many of them, and I can't slow down enough to weave them together into something smooth like a legible blogpost. Some have snagged and torn, in fact.

I never did post about meeting a wonderful group of blogging mammas local to PDX. That happened over a month ago. Or about how irritating it is that whenever I'm on the phone with a friend lately, all these different topics we start talking about get interrupted because of our respective children and their demands for attention, to the point where I never remember if we've discussed something or not; it's a good thing I don't lie to people or I wouldn't be able to keep track! This also happened at lunch yesterday with a wonderful, sweet mamma I met IRL for the first time. Which goes on to feed my sense of social inadequacy, and *that* was at an all-time high a couple of weeks ago after I attended a baby shower at a very snazzy restaurant... I felt like such a fish out of water that when I got home I literally burst into tears while Mo looked at me, trying to figure out what he could do to comfort me. There's also some stuff that's been gnawing away at me, about breastfeeding and nursing in public and how I just can't believe that people still, in this day and age, have issues with either!!! Plus, both my sons had birthdays, six days apart. I'm now the reluctant mother of a 15-year-old. I took him out to lunch on his "golden birthday" and watched him straddle the line between his childhood and his manhood, while I felt knots forming in my stomach. I'm waiting for the results of a repeat PAP, which are once again taking too damned long. AND, we found out last week that Mo's ex has quite possibly become an alcoholic, which obviously affects my stepsons greatly and has the potential to change the current relationship dynamic we're in (they've had us on IGNORE since we announced our engagement three years ago). Oh, I'd started a post about my ongoing issues with celebrating the 4th of July, which I couldn't bring myself to finish but I definitely need to because that's yet another shitload of feelings I need to unload.

We've volunteered to help out at the Babywearing Conference out at Reed College, which is coming up on Aug 3 - 6. If you're in PDX area and have children under the age of four, care for children, or plan to have children, please come to the conference. The exhibit hall will be open to the public on Saturday free of charge and many vendors will be there, so this will be an excellent opportunity to try out different styles of baby carriers, risk-free. The classes & workshops should be wonderful too. I'm especially excited about the classes being offered with regard to babywearing special-needs, medically fragile and/or premature babies.

So that was my PSA for today. And now it's like I've been skipping rocks with my thoughts... causing just a few ripples here and there with them as I cast them off into the interwebs. ugh, I feel my ADD taking over.

Happy Birthday, my sweet & silly TWO-year-old!

2006-07-10T02:49:00.000-04:00

fire and loss

2006-07-08T01:55:00.000-04:00

these are a few pictures of the Sweet Oregon Grill, a restaurant housed in two old barn buildings that burned down early this morning. The pictures were taken on our wedding day... see, this is where we had our garden wedding ceremony and reception almost three years ago. The site has now been declared a total loss and the owner says he will probably not rebuild.

We are so bummed, even Hyde was sad today. This wasn't the kind of place we'd go to all the time but we would drive by it often and joke that it looked like such a nice place to have a wedding. We're planning to go this weekend and see if we can take some pictures in the garden, if there's any of it left. My only regret is that we didn't get *more* pictures taken there on our wedding day. We have so many good memories from there, and it just seems wrong that a place so special to us is now gone...

breakthrough

2006-07-01T21:10:00.000-04:00

Hi! Sorry it's been a while, I feel like I'm neglecting everyone lately no matter what I do.

Things ARE better with Hyde this past few days, and it happened by accident. It's been record-breaking-hot in the Portland Metro and as a result, I've been staying in the living room (where there's a ceiling fan and it's significantly cooler) until waaaaay past my usual bedtime. El Niño's sleep cycle is totally hosed now but we'll get all that sorted out later. So, Hyde's been hanging out with me, watching TV until the wee hours. Even *talking* to me in a non-snarky way! Out of the blue, on Wednesday night he asked me timidly if I was going to keep on doing that, staying up and watching TV in the living room and I said, "yeah... why?" And he said, "because I like it when we do that, we used to do that before, all the time... watch the 11 o'clock news and then Jay Leno's monologue, remember? It was fun."

Are you sighing a sigh of relief with me? Because, I was floored. Then I was giddy but I couldn't *show it* for fear he might shut down all over again. This is a confirmation of what my Godfather (the retired university-Dean-of-Psychology) had told me that very day during an hour-long conversation that was conforting not only because of his sage advice and wisdom, or his love for us, but because there was a loud coquí singing in the background (his home office has a courtyard where coquís live and thrive).

So, that's it for now, my baby's crying and I think Mo's calling me for dinner.

let's workshop this, hmmmmmmm?

2006-06-23T11:45:00.000-04:00

all of you who say you were awful teenagers... please tell me how *you* define awful. AND how you define normal in the relative sense of a teenager's behavior. I was neither normal nor awful but I'll share more about that later. I think a lot of my problem has to do with the fact that I really have no frame of reference for dealing with this, for dealing with my teen son's attitude and behavior.

I think this could be therapeutic for you too, not just me. So, please share your memories and your definitions.

mammalodrama

2006-06-22T02:25:00.000-04:00

I have to be brief because I'm exhausted. But I probably won't be able to sleep unless I do at least a partial dump, so here goes...

I sent Hyde to his room on Friday afternoon after he was disrespectful to me. He didn't come out for dinner, and when I went to check on him I found his room empty and the window mesh-screen ripped. No word from him all night, or Saturday morning, so we made a police report. When we got home, there was a message from him, left just a few minutes earlier that he'd been in a car accident while in his "other mother's" company (this is my friend who's in the middle of an ugly divorce). Turns out he'd called her, lied to her and she'd taken him and her kids to lunch. After lunch, she ran a red light (did I mention she's in the middle of a nasty divorce and custody battle?) and t-boned another vehicle. Everyone in her car, including my son, was fine. But it was a mess and the cops were there, so it's a good thing I was home to tell them that it was ok for my son to be in her car. And, since she didn't have enough to deal with, Hyde decided that he didn't want to come home that night so he got to spend it at her house. I spent the whole weekend crying, questioning whether I'm fit to mother anyone, and whether my family wouldn't be better off without me. Lucky for me, Sunday's sermon was dead on and snapped me out of my pity party. And that I have some amazing women friends who inspire and encourage me every time I want to shrivel up and die.

Hyde came home on Sunday night, after he and Mo (God bless my husband) played in a Father/Son Ultimate Frisbee game that some of our friends organized at a nearby park. Mo has been icing his knee since then, because no one was kidding about the ultimate part of the game. Things have been weird at home, to say the least. What's gonna happen the next time I say no to Hyde? And, as part of the whole ordeal, I've been on MySpace waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than I'd ever care to so I can keep track of the adolescent chatter and try to figure out where Hyde's head's at, as well as what his friends are like. It's scary. I'd like my blinders back on please, and bring me a stiff martini while you're at it...

So, today. After two days of relative calm, today I'm in the kitchen fixing lunch and look over to see my almost-15yo son pretending to repeatedly one-two punch his 23mo brother. I've warned Hyde before about the way in which he plays with his little brother, and I have to once again point out that this type of "play" is not acceptable. Fast forward to 7pm, Mo and I are getting ready so we can all go to a benefit concert and I hear a weird sound coming from my bedroom door. I open the door and, to my horror, see Hyde swinging El Niño towards the door like a battering ram... I. lost. it. After I made sure that the baby was ok and left him with Mo in our room, I went completely nuts and yelled at Hyde until I lost my voice.

I'm scared because I don't know how to fix this, because I feel like I've lost my first child. Some commenters asked a while back if Hyde is maybe having issues at being "replaced" by his little brother, and from having "lost" his place as man of the house when I married Mo. It's possible. My friend Vic also pointed out to me a few months ago that he may have anger issues tied to his absent bio-father. That's possible too. There are so many reasons, really, for him to be angry and dysfunctional. And this is what I'm dealing with, this is why I may be on a hiatus from the blog... not sure yet what I'm gonna do about anything.

fonts... WTF?

2006-06-15T03:25:00.000-04:00

ok, can I just say it's royally bugging me that my old posts are all showing up with a thick font that looks awful? I've tried to edit them but it's not working... so now what?

and on a totally unrelated topic, if anyone out there can tell me how I can get some music I have on a children's music tape (that is apparently no longer available for sale) onto a CD, I'd be most grateful.

misty watercolor memories

2006-06-15T01:54:00.000-04:00

So, according to Mo I'm acting strange... maybe another funk is coming on (or the last one never left me), maybe it's just PMS. Today I decided to listen with El Niño to some of the music I grew up with, and I found myself getting very choked up. He, of course, was totally dancing all over the place.

My dad loved music, and I've mentioned before that we had a routine on Sunday mornings of listening to Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf, and then an assortment of other kinds of music -- classical, jazz (Daddy loved Miles Davis and Benny Goodman), the Beatles, and even some amazing recordings of Russian marching bands. While my mother's taste in music stagnated in the rarefied offerings of PuertoRican public radio (the worst most obscure operas anyone could ever dig up), I got to listen to everything else with my dad. He even bought me the Foreigner 4 album, Queen's Greatest Hits, Prince's Purple Rain and Cindy Lauper's She's So Unusual. But my first and somewhat secret love is the nueva trova music that I heard at parties, at the university (where my parents worked), everywhere I went in PR as a child of the late 70's and early 80's. Let me tell you, I have no idea how that 8-track of Haciendo Punto en Otro Son's debut album survived being played over and over and over, until I memorized all the songs and came to believe they were thinking of me while writing them.

I wish I knew how to set things up so I could share an online "mix tape" of this music with everyone, just like Dutch did. Oh well, I cannot... this is something else I'll have to learn how to do, right? I hope anyone out there reading this will feel like going through the trouble of discovering the music created by the incredibly talented musicians of the Haciendo Punto ensemble, as well as solo artists Pablo Milanés, Víctor Jara, and Mercedes Sosa. They are my favorites, the ones I listened to when I was a rebellious teen in Puerto Rico, a lonely college student in Manhattan, a melancholy and out-of-my-element single mom in Sacramento, and now... whenever I need to feel my roots, feel my heritage in ways I don't yet know how to explain.

The CD we listened to today was Punto Final, which was recorded live during what was supposed to be the final reunion concert of Haciendo Punto. My then-boyfriend and I stood in line because each person was only allowed to purchase two tickets -- the concert took place in the relatively small venue of the University of Puerto Rico Theater, once home to the Casals Festival -- and we'd promised my grandfather and great-aunt that we'd take them. The experience of being in that theater with them, of watching my Über-conservative great-aunt mouthing the words to every one of their beautiful, patriotic (and liberal, pro-independence, possibly communist!) songs with tears in her eyes while they performed is something I'll treasure forever. When I listen to that CD, I feel like I'm there again. It makes me hope for my country, even as my heart breaks and I'm reminded of how things are now, all these years after those songs were first written. I'm glad I can play it for my sons, so I can give them a taste of Puerto Rico, like when I cook rice & beans for them. Maybe they'll be the future of my beautiful island...

***

Speaking of music, I finally listened to Pink Martini this weekend, and I liked it. If you're not in the mood for Latin American protest music, this may be a more lighthearted and fun choice for you.

Carry on, then!

Supercalifragilistic-Kozy-a-lidocious

2006-06-07T01:04:00.000-04:00

I mentioned a while back that I would soon be receiving a wearable work of art, courtesy of Kelley at Kozy Carrier (and Mo's mom, it was her birthday gift to me). Well, it's been here for about a month and I couldn't love it more! Yah, I know, I took my sweet time to post the promised pictures but it's very hard to capture the beauty of this carrier in pictures, much less indoor pictures (do you *know* what the weather's like around here?). We went to the park today with the camera because it was totally gorgeous outside, and Mo took these pictures so I could share with my blog peeps. StefanieRJ told me this looks like what she'll wear when she finally gets her "Queen of the World" title and I knew exactly what she meant because I feel positively regal whenever I put it on. That, and I get a little bit of a plushie thing going on when I'm near it, all I want to do is pet it!

Okay, in this second picture I'm carrying him way too high... honestly, we were all tired and ready to go home but mamma needed more piccies. The idea is that the child's head should be at a perfect level for one to effortlessly kiss the TOP of their head; anyone can see that I could've effortlessly kissed his neck the way I'm pictured carrying him. *sigh* I wanted to show off that I can carry my two-year old comfortably in this, so I can properly convey why it is that I love these carriers so much.

***
So, if you're in the PDX Metro, listen up!

there'll be a free babywearing workshop on 6/11 from 2-3 pm at the Wild Oats in Vancouver. Melissa Cole, of Natural Family 101, will be leading this workshop and everyone is welcome. There will be a brief discussion about the benefits of babywearing as well as hands-on practice and one-on-one help with many sample carriers to try out as well as handouts and resource lists.

If you can't make it, join the Portland NINO group and learn about upcoming get-togethers and workshops, as well as the Babywearing Conference at Reed College this August 3-6.
***

This last is an indoor picture. I decided to throw it in because I love the way my sweetie looks in it. And don't even think about rushing over to the Kozy site to order one of these. The opportunity is past. I sat on a waiting list for six months to be able to get this one-of-a-kind carrier. You'll have to make do with one made out of canvas, which is really not a sacrifice at all (and the little strap pocket they have is very convenient and ingenious, it's the only thing missing from my velveteen & silk beauty). Proudly made in the USA, baby!

wrap me up!

2006-06-02T12:30:00.000-04:00

Remember when I said I'd gladly be mummiffied in a wrap? Well, let's make that two, shall we? I *thought* I was passionately in love with Purple Waves (left) but it turns out I'm also in love with Aubergine Waves (right)... they're slightly different in their purple/blue shading, and I'm a sucker for anything in that part of the color spectrum. Many thanks to Lori for allowing me to use her picture. If you visit her site you'll get to enjoy pictures of her incredible collection of Didymos wraps, along with her three adorable kids and many different domesticated critters. I think I may just have to go visit her one day...

I haven't posted a picture of my new "fancy" Kozy because I haven't managed to get a nice one taken outside, in natural light. It's very hard to capture the beauty of velveteen and silk indoors... plus, I've been so cranky lately I didn't think I could find the appropriate words to do it justice.

For those who are reading this and are interested in baby carriers but find wraps and MeiTais (like the Kozy) intimidating, there's always the Ergo or the bECOpack. I think if you get a BabyBjorn as a present or hand-me-down (I got one as the latter), it's fine and will do the trick for you, it's just that for the same amount of money you can get one of these other carriers that'll last longer, be more versatile and more comfortable for you and your baby. Just my opinion. And, I like the bECO better because it has a taller body AND it can be customized with different fabric choices. For me, the Ergo is too plain (I realize for some that'd be a bonus). There's a picture on the bECO site of a 4th Gen made out of Marimekko fabric -- look at the "customs" -- that made my jaw hit the floor. I've always been a sucker for Marimekko prints, and still prefer them over the usual Amy Butler and Robert Kaufman offerings. (ok, I know I'm gonna be pelted with tomatoes now!) Hmmmmm, if I could get enough traffic to this blog, I might be able to hook myself up with some ad-revenue goodness and fund babycarriers... would y'all that are reading this tell your friends to come by? We could sure use the cash, thanks!

Just kidding. Actually, I want to thank y'all again for reading and commenting -- those of you who do, I know there're also some regular lurkers who never comment. I've been really low lately (no! really?!?!? none of you had noticed, right?) and it's very encouraging & validating to read your comments. But I won't bore you by getting mushy.

this 'n that

2006-06-01T19:31:00.000-04:00

How is it the first day of June already??? I feel so unaccomplished: potty-training is still in progress, weaning hasn't even begun, and I have no job prospects. Oh, and my teenage son actually said in counseling on Tuesday that a) he doesn't believe I *really* love him, and b) I fake migraines to get out of doing stuff. Heh.

The rash I've been struggling with for a week and half is still there, still itchy and annoying and spreading from my chest to my arms and neck. I went to see my doctor about it yesterday and he assured me it wasn't contagious, although he had no idea what it could be among any number of skin rashes, then prescribed a steroid cream (isn't that the medical profession's catchall solution?). Hopefully it won't lead to me growing some chest hair, because I'm not sure I can reasonably handle that too. As it is, shaving the usual parts is a bitch; who has all that time? Of course, I did a Google search and found this, which seems quite plausible as it describes *exactly* what I've experienced so far. I'm supposed to call doc tomorrow if the steroid cream isn't working or my voice has deepened, so we'll see. Mo says the rash looks worse today (thanks, Love!), and the itch is still there although not as bothersome. I wonder if this is the reason why I've had a migraine since Saturday? (or am I faking it?)

I dunno... I feel like I'm failing. Like, if I were going to get graded for how I'm doing with my life right now I'd get a D minus. You know what else is bugging the crap out of me? We have a birdfeeder and two birdhouses that were very popular at the house we used to live in. Now they're hung up on our balcony and I have yet to see ONE bird come near any of them. WTF???

ok, enough with the whining. I have to share some good stuff, and then I need to go answer a gazillion emails from people who actually want to go on playdates and stuff with us. But, I've been keeping myself under quarantine, just in case I had some skin version of the bird flu, ya know.

So, El Niño's belting out a new-word-a-day now. Thanks to BMC, I got the idea last week to teach him "help" (sign and word) for those times when he gets frustrated or I need him to cooperate, and whaddayaknoo it worked! We've had great success with it during toy pickup sessions, clothing changes and pretty much everything else we do around here. Yesterday he surprised me while we were singing Old McDonald by saying "dow" while making the sign for cow. And I found out that he also knows the word "rain", which he'd said to Daddy (who didn't share this news with Mami in a timely manner, the big booger).

The other thing that's really cute is that he's definitely a treehugger. Literally. Ever since he was a few months old, he'd reach out towards a tree if we were walking close to it. We'd always smile and walk him over so he could touch it, and he'd get a huge grin on his face. It's one of the most popular signs for him to make and he can spot a tree in a picture, painting, IRL, anywhere. Now that he walks, he likes to walk over to trees and *touch* them, the way most kids like to walk over and pet dogs or other babies... Ehhh, he could grow up to head the Sierra Club someday!

As for Hyde, I don't know what to do about him. There are times when I wish I could put him in a rocket and send him to outer space for a few years. I worry that I can't get past this emotional divide, this anger of his at me, and my correspondent anger and hurt at the fact that all my efforts at being a good parent have seemingly been for naught. I mean, if after everything we've been through he still doesn't believe I love him!?!?! Maybe it's because I let him watch too much television when he was a toddler...

the sun'll come out tomorrow...

2006-05-27T15:13:00.000-04:00

The song "Tomorrow" from Annie got me through big chunks of my childhood. I am feeling better today, in part because I finally really opened up about all this stuff I've been bottling up for years. I can admit that my faith is struggling under the weight of my past, and is hardly able to sustain me. But I know my faith is still there, like a pilot light just waiting to be put to use. This week just really SUCKED and it didn't help matters that I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Mo's car even got towed on Thursday afternoon, you know, just in case we were starting to feel better... and I've developed a strange rash that is NOT stress-induced hives. Heh. I keep telling myself that at least we're all healthy, our marriage is healthy, and we have a roof over our heads. We're not living in Darfur.

I also allowed myself to indulge in a lot of snark over the past couple of days. A LOT. Television Without Pity and Mr. Nice Guy, I salute thee for helping me get through this. Also, Dutch's posts about the Bay-to-Breakers race, along with all the associated pictures (not for the faint of heart, just letting you know).

So, I think I'm gonna go try to take a nap. Hopefully, El Niño will join me. Mo's gonna make pizza for dinner, which is my kind of comfort food and his specialty. And the long weekend will give me the opportunity to spend a lot of time in my lover's arms. Maybe I'll cheer up enough to post a picture of my incredibly soft and beautiful new Kozy carrier before the weekend's over.

on the verge...

2006-05-24T19:07:00.000-04:00

it's really a shame that one of my favorite movies ever, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, doesn't translate well to audiences that don't speak Spanish. The movie's fucking brilliant. It's a very campy, very 80's portrayal of 24 hours in the life of a woman on the brink of suicide by first finding out that her lover has unexplainably left her, and then that she's pregnant by him. What follows is so absurd, it almost circles back to being perfectly rational. And that's why I think it's brilliant.

My life has, on so many occasions, taken such ludicrous turns as to seem irrationally logical. My Godmother used to joke that the things that happened to me in real life always reminded her of the old Perils of Pauline serial. Living a cliffhanger-like existence isn't good for one's sanity, tho. I have found myself many times on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and have quite possibly experienced one or two "mild" ones. It's quite possible, for example, that I was in the middle of one when I became unmarried & pregnant at 21... didn't quite manage to dodge THAT bullet, did I?

The raison d' etre for this post is that I'm feeling "that way" again, feeling my neck muscles so tight that I'm afraid they're going to crack, feeling the pressure all over my head and that void in the pit of my stomach and the temptation to just. allow. myself. to step outside. for a bit. Into the twilight zone. Because the life my body is occupying right now just doesn't seem right. It's a bit too... OFF. And I don't know how to convey this to Mo in a way he can understand it. I'm the one prone to angst, not him. He really doesn't get why I care about half the shit I do, and when I care SO much that I can't stop crying... well, what can he do other than hold me?

The by-product of finding out the other day that my friend Joan died in Puerto Rico, was that my uncle left a message asking me to call him back. What's that line from The Godfather, the one where Don Corleone says something to the effect that no matter how he tries to get away [from the mob life], he always gets dragged back in? This uncle is my mother's brother, a man I used to love and respect, until he came to visit me four years ago -- on the pretext of going camping with Hyde and I -- and dropped the bomb after he arrived that he has a whole other family on the side that no one else in my family knew about. It was supposed to be our fucking little secret, he just needed someone to talk to about it because it was stressful for him. Ah, thanks for sharing! Then, a year later he came up with some lame excuse for not coming to my wedding (like I get married every day, right?), although he did finally show thanks to my other non-insane family members who talked him into it. But I digress from the point of this post, this particular phone call. The deal is that, since El Niño was born we've spoken four times, and the last two times I've cried for a looooooong time after hanging up. My uncle deals with his emotional baggage by being The Rescuer. He is currently taking care of my mother and this is what he wanted to update me on. If you've read any of my other posts, you know that I have serious issues with my parents, most especially my mother. She is mentally ill, has been forever and most likely undiagnosed for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But he doesn't get it, doesn't get that she needs to be institutionalized because she is a danger to herself and others, and so he insists instead on recounting for me in detail the "strange" things that she does and the way that she acts and lives. How much more weight she's gained, how she doesn't take care of her diabetes, how she appears to be developing symptoms that could signal the onset of Parkinson's. His parting comment to me on Monday night is that if she were to die in the apartment she lives in (an apartment he owns and provides free of charge to her, even tho she is verbally abusive to him every chance she gets), she wouldn't even be found because of the smell... there would be no smell. The apartment has excellent cross-ventilation and the smell would be dissipated away from the neigbors. None of her friends have a key to the place, and he's usually away on business. He wanted me to know this. And I have to ask myself, WHY? Why did he make a point to tell me this? And why does that thought, the thought of her slowly decomposing while no one knows, terrify me so much? Why does the image of her nearly choking to death in the bathroom of a Ponderosa Steakhouse two weeks ago freak me out?

All my life, I've been terrified not just of my mother but of becoming my mother. Every time someone said I looked just like her or I talked just like her, I wanted to scream. Did they not see the differences? how could they miss them? I have my father's coloring, his nose and his lips. As I've become a mother and an adult woman (in my case, they pretty much happened at the same time), I've strived to avoid any similarities between the two of us. But the fear, the irrational, blind panic that it's inevitable for me to become just like her has rarely left me. Now that I'm older, sometimes I see her looking back at me in the bathroom mirror. I do NOT want to be that woman, I do not want to be that mother.

So, this is where I'm at, today. I feel like I'm on the verge... I have a wonderful husband who struggles to support me through this. I have a teenage son who -- unfairly -- thinks I'm an awful mother. And I have a tantrummy toddler who's teething. Somehow, I'll get through the day, and tomorrow will be better than today, just like today was better than yesterday. I'm in a quiet panic. I'm fighting the urge to crawl into a corner of my bathroom in a fetal position and keep the world at bay for as long as possible. I never set out to make this an angst-filled record of my days, I wanted to be funny and clever like so many of the other bloggers I read. But this is my life, right now. My throat is constricted and I'm blinking back the tears, focusing on taking the next breath and hoping Mo will get home soon so I can bury myself in his arms.

And finally, a big thank you to all of you who have visited and left comments in the last week about my friend Joan. She really was an amazing woman and I'm sure she would've loved to read all your blogs. She would've adopted you all too.

In Memoriam

2006-05-19T17:42:00.000-04:00

I've finally had the opportunity to understand why I've been in such a funk for a while. It wasn't the budget situation in Puerto Rico, although that was very discouraging. It wasn't the myriad problems we've been having with Hyde for the last few months, although those have been maddening. And it isn't because I've been fried by the past couple of months' worth of El Niño's potty training and erratic sleep cycles.

My spirit knew before my mind did... that one of the most influential people in my life died in Puerto Rico on March 12th. But none of the people who knew felt compelled to let me know before today. So, I've just found out, and I'm hurt, bewildered and *pissed*.

Joan Miller was an incredible woman. She had a PhD in Special Education, and dedicated her career to training her college students to be the best, kindest and most creative teachers. She met me when I was 11 years old, and I immediately adopted her as part of my family. I needed someone as funny and loving as her in my life. She was nothing like any other woman I knew, and I loved her for it. At that time, most of the women I knew -- my mother and her friends -- were militant feminists who blamed men for everything that was wrong in their lives (that kind of militant feminists). I had a real problem with that. Joan never married but she also never had that disdain or contempt for men that I saw in the others, and that I certainly heard every day from my mother's lips.

Through the years, Joan took me under her wing much the way a loving aunt would. I could go to her home and hang out, relax. We could talk about anything because she would actually listen and treat my thoughts and feelings with respect. When I was 15, my boyfriend died and she sat with me for hours, talking until I was finally talked and cried out. She would travel the world every year, and once I got old enough she'd leave me to dog- and apartment-sit, which was like a paid vacation because she lived two blocks from the beach. Her dogs were strays: Rosa was a spaniel mutt she found as an abandoned sick puppy in a parking lot, and King was a mutt she found on the beach. She was good at loving strays, like me. I got her hooked on reading Agatha Christie mysteries when I was 14, she returned the favor by getting me hooked on Sara Paretsky and then Patricia Cornwell. She proudly hung on her dining room walls two watercolors I'd painted when I was five years old. That act in itself made me feel loved. See, my art had never been good enough to hang on my parents' walls...

When I got pregnant at 21 and had to drop out of school, she didn't hold it against me, because she knew how screwed up my life was then. She got Hyde a gorgeous wooden rocking horse that he loved, hugged & kissed like a puppy. Every year, she got him a present for Christmas, something my mother didn't do. She would send him postcards from every place she went to, and I think I've saved them all for him. She loved on him like a proud grandmother, never saying anything negative to him or to me. When he was diagnosed with ADHD, she sent me information on how to deal with it and also get the school system to help.

Joan didn't get to meet Mo, she wasn't able to attend our wedding almost three years ago because she hadn't been feeling well and she had too much going on at work. Of course, she got us an awesome present. A couple of months later, she had a massive, paralyzing stroke. I never got a chance to tell her about the new baby on the way, to tell her how happy I was/am and how Mo was worth waiting for all those years. I wish that I'd had the chance to share my new happiness with her. When I think of her, I see her smiling, her blue eyes bright and twinkling. I see her eating ice cream, and chuckling at the dogs' sillyness. I've been letting her go for the last two+ years, since the stroke left her in a hospital bed unable to even communicate, and yet it still hurts to think that she's really, truly gone and I won't see her again. During one of the last conversations we had, she promised that she'd be sitting there the day I graduated from college. That promise lives in my heart.

funk

2006-05-10T01:25:00.000-04:00

for at least a week now, I've been in a weird funk. I can't figure out what's up but it's like a low-grade fever that's sapping me of what little positive energy I've usually got. And the dreams... ugh, the dreams I've been having SUCK. Mo acting all weird until I figure out that he's cheating on me. Or, my dad's still alive and I'm trying to run away from home, no matter what he does, how loving and patient he is. (Oh, I guess even *I* can figure this one out, now that I see it in writing. I'm so dense sometimes)

The situation back home gets uglier by the day. Maybe that's poisoning my soul a bit. People always ask me how I could leave such an island "paradise". Well, you can leave when your heart is broken, when you realize that those who are obvious candidates for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are the only ones who ever get elected to higher office. It's not paradise when crazy people are running the show.

Anyway, this is where I'm at today. Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep now that I've vented.

naptime!

2006-05-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

multilingualism and other challenges

2006-05-03T02:24:00.000-04:00

First off, I have to say I think these shoes ROCK and I've been eyeing them for El Niño for a while now. The next time they go on sale I'll probably have to break down and get them for him. Dutch wrote a post about how much he and Wood hate flames on pretty much anything, and it reminded me that I sometimes like the most unexpected (for me) things. Like these shoes... I wouldn't get them for myself or for Mo. But for a little one who's getting faster and faster on his feet every day, I think they'd be just yummy.

So anyway, Mo's hard work over the past month has paid off and El Niño is now saying the names of six colors. He still sometimes gets the colors mixed up but at least he can say the words bhue, ellow, red, oranj, geen, and puhpl. No, I'm not teaching him the Spanish equivalents. I'll let him get it totally straight in English first, then I'll teach them to him in my language. In the meantime, I'm trying to teach him to count from 1 - 5 in Spanish. I think that's a reasonable compromise. He's also obsessed with letters (especially W and its fraternal twin M; I tell him W is for wow, M is for Mami), so we're working on those as well, what the heck.

I knew going into this "experiment" that it'd be difficult, and that multilingual children have so much more to process that their speech usually lags behind that of their peers. The keys are consistency, persistence, and patience. That doesn't mean I don't get supremely bummed that other people's kids the same age are saying tons of things while mine seems to speak mostly in what sounds to me like a Scandinavian tongue. Sometimes, he doesn't even *try* and just makes earnest facial expressions while blurting out "BLAHLAHLAHLAHLAHLAHLAHLALA!" Thank God for ASL, although even then, we have some issues. The sign for cracker and tree are the same, as far as he's concerned. And since he can't bring himself to say please or thank you in Spanish or English, would it kill him to use the signs???

It's also interesting to see what he picks and chooses in order to communicate, and how he associates. It wasn't until he was 18mo that he *finally* consistently said "mami"; until then both parents were called "daddy". He still won't say his name, even though he's acknowledged it since before he was six months old. He has also never tried to say milk in either language, only ever makes the sign for it. He makes the sign for all sorts of animals we've taught him, and the sounds they make, but he hasn't once tried to say their names. Except for giraffe... because giraffes don't make a sound (at least not any that I could come up with). Same thing with car, he'll make the sign for it and the sound but he doesn't ever try to say the word. See how I'm running my very own linguistics experiment here? I could go on about this but I'm exhausted and need to go to sleep soon.
***

so my left eye won't stop twitching... anyone got any good suggestions on how to fix that? Other than sleep, because apparently my children are determined to never allow me to have another good night's sleep. Ever.
***

Our very own Prefontaine (that'd be Hyde) has two meets left in his Track season. He's been steadily improving his times but missed last week's meet because he was sick (we ALL got sick, again. THANKS Kid!). So now we're not sure if that'll set him back for the rest of the season. Hyde is the kind of person who does well in pretty much any sport he participates in, he's a natural talent; he doesn't get that from me. We were hoping that he'd do well because that'd motivate him to also do well in his academics, participate in Cross Country next season (thereby sparing us the discussion about WHY he can't do football that we seem to have every year), and maybe even improve his attitude at home. Really people, the male teenage brain is so inscrutable to me, I can't even begin to explain how I feel on a daily basis. The only thing that comes to mind is living in a war zone, somewhere car bombs and other random explosions happen. You have to keep on living and always in the back of your head there's the knowledge that something awful may happen, any minute. I love my son but sometimes I don't really know WHY I do... am I a masochist? mentally ill? Anyone who thinks the toddler years are difficult, hasn't parented a teenager yet... that's all I'm sayin'.

And it's because of the track meet schedule that I'm probably going to miss a fun night out with other PDX blogging mammas, which is a HUGE bummer. Just slap that big "L" on my forehead now.
***

speaking of which, I had a glorious Lucy moment yesterday. I was trying to load the dishwasher while paying close attention to El Niño, who was due for a potty run any minute but kept saying no every time I asked. Once I realized it was time, I dashed towards him but the hardware mounted gate between us didn't swing open like I expected it to... I wound up eating it on the floor, tangled up in the gate, watching in horror as my bottom-half-naked toddler peed a gallon and a half onto the carpet. I have a lovely gash across my abdomen to show for it too.

Other than that, potty training is going really well! He even napped on my bed naked the other day, and managed to stay dry for the duration (two hours).

reason #16545 why I love Oregon

2006-05-01T20:39:00.000-04:00

These are pictures I took at Crater Lake when Mo and I went, a month before our wedding. I had described it to him as a superb place for smooching. It is definitely a place worth visiting with someone you love, and I highly recommend watching the sunset there (the late August sun provides the most spectacular light & color display against the rock walls). Happy Monday!

randomly yours

2006-04-28T12:09:00.000-04:00

I need to post, if only to establish the habit of posting regularly and more than once a week. Also because I'm slowly acquiring "friends in the computer" (I'm borrowing this term from BMC who borrowed it from someone else...) thanks to this blog, and I don't want to be lame and throw out bombshells about people running away and then not come back and say that all is sorta well.

See, Hyde got very sick on Sunday night, so sick he had to miss two days of school and then came home on Wednesday running a fever again. At times like these, I guess it's nice to be home with a mom and dad who take care of everything. Right? So, there's been a bit of an attitude improvement. Parenting class was great on Sunday morning too. I felt my feelings and experiences very validated. One of the teachers had emailed this essay to me the night before, when she found out what had happenend with Hyde during the week, and reading it was quite eye-opening for me as far as helping me understand how I've been relating to most of the main players in my life.

Potty-training is going much better in the last few days, it seems El Niño is finally getting the hang of holding pee in a little and saying "potty" when he feels like it's time to not hold it in anymore. We had no accidents yesterday, even though he went naked-butt all day while he was awake (he wore a cloth diaper during his nap, which was soaking wet by the time he woke up) and I was battling the worst migraine I've had in months. He *is* dealing with a bad case of diaper rash, his first since I binged on chocolate a year ago and we found out the hard way that he's allergic to it, because he refused to let us change his cloth diaper a few times earlier this week and apparently that's all it took to mess up his delicate skin big time.

While I was discussing with Mo yesterday what kind of diaper rash cream I wanted him to buy (we've never used any because we've never had to... I double-dare you to ask me why I feel that routine use of diaper rash cream is unnecessary), I told him that I'm not *really* crunchy, more like yoghurt-covered-granola crunchy. And it made him laugh. I love it when I can make him laugh. And also when I can come up with a way to describe myself that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, doesn't pigeon-hole me into some category that I don't really belong in (I'm apparently not the only one with this issue). Before El Niño was born, I'd never heard of Attachment Parenting, lactivism, family beds, or "crunchy" as an adjective for people. I'd cut out MSG and artificial ingredients from my diet for health, not moral or political reasons. I recycled and tried to generate as little garbage as possible out of a sense of responsibility towards nature. Whenever I could afford to, I bought organic products, and I guess that was a little political-moral-ethically motivated. But I think my Natural Family Planning, organic farming, non-vaxing cousin and her family are crunchy... not us. Ummmm, I mean seriously, we shop at Costco, Target and Big Lots. We can't afford to shop regularly at Whole Foods or New Seasons. So, in my migraine-induced delirium, I came up with yoghurt-covered granola. It fits me, us, our life. My favorite breakfast is a layer of fresh fruit covered by a layer of yoghurt, with a layer of granola and some honey drizzled over it. If you've never had this combo, you are missing out on some edible perfection!

Speaking of granola, is this a good time to talk about baby carriers? Because I've found myself obsessively thinking about them lately... I received word-by-email that my silk & velveteen Kozy is almost finished, and I nearly peed my pants with glee. When I post a picture of the finished product, I'm sure it'll be obvious what the BFD is and why I'm so excited. However, I'm also in the market for a lighter, Summer-friendly carrier (I'm sure the velveteen will not be my best friend when it gets really hot here). So, we're considering getting ourselves this gauze wrap from Gypsy Mama:

You may not be able to tell from the pictures that this hand-batiked-in-Bali wrap has a gorgeous print of TURTLES along the borders, and a mermaid holding a baby in the center. PeRRRfect! By the way, Mo is such an awesome, supportive husband that he helped me pick out this wrap (he happens to be a sucker for turtles too). I have to sell the Gracosaur to fund it, tho.

The other carrier that keeps appearing in my dreams these days is from Didymos, a German company that just rocks my world for their commitment to fair trade, the environment and offering their customers a guilt-free, beautiful product. I encourage you to visit their site and read up on their corporate philosophy. This is called Purple Waves and contains all my favorite colors in the world. I would gladly be mummiffied in this wrap. *sigh* I can dream. And, trust me, I do.

Happy Friday!

"bless me, Blogosphere, for I have sinned!"

2006-04-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

"... it's been over a week since my last confession."

(if this doesn't give you an idea of how bad a Catholic I was growing up, nothing will)

So anyway, it's been pretty rough around here lately and I haven't been in the mood to share. Really, my MOOD was definitely not something anyone'd want to be sharing with me.

What's going on, you ask?

Well, I'm helping one of my dearest friends get ready to move out of the home she lovingly renovated with her husband a few years ago, because the fucktard woke up on his 40th birthday and announced he wanted a divorce. The kids are reeling, she's devastated and he's got a twinkie on the side that only a few of us know about. It sucks. I don't understand how this can really be happening to them. Other people, sure. But not this family. Mo's 40th birthday's coming up in a few months... he can go live out his midlife crisis in Alaska fishing for crab (this is something he wants to do), as long as he doesn't mess with our marriage. Otherwise, he'll be crab-bait.

Potty training El Niño was going pretty well until we got him into training pants. He'd been pooping in the toilet for over a month, letting us know several times a day when he had to go pee by saying "potty" while making the sign for potty, and had become fascinated with a book about Ernie (of Sesame Street fame) called Too Big for Diapers. These all seemed like readyness signs to *me* and I thought if we didn't get him into training pants, we'd be holding him back. Plus, it was a real pain to be running back and forth to the bathroom and stripping him of Onesies and diapers and whatever other layers of clothing he had on. I thought it'd be awesome to get him trained before I go back to work (which I really need to do soon because we're steps away from the poorhouse at this point). Well, now he doesn't want to go to the potty at all, except when he has to poo, which means that my laundry pile has EXPLODED. I will only use disposable training pants when we're out of the house, and we're usually home all day... so this means we go through a lot of training pants, cloth diapers and regular pants. In the last couple of days, he's decided he wants to run around the apartment wearing nothing at all, which means that I really, really have to watch him or he'll pee on the carpet without warning (with a look of wonderment as he does so). Oh, and his "awareness" of his bodily functions also appears to be messing with his ability to sleep, at night and at naptime. See where I'm going with this? I am one tired, cranky mutha.

On top of this, Hyde decided to walk out of school in the middle of the day a couple of days ago... intending to once again run away. He broke into our church and spent the night there, while we once again spent the night worried about where he was and if he was safe. The male teenage brain seems to me to be a minefield of anger and confusion, and I really don't know how to deal with it. He's home now, and I'm praying we can come to a negotiated peace of some sort, before I lose my mind.
***
Some commenters to my meme post seemed to be very impressed that I taught myself English when I was four years old, Dutch even called me a "badass". Which is funny, because the only time I really thought of myself as a badass was the time I installed a million-dollar router that weighed twice as much as I did. Teaching myself to read English has always seemed like an oddity. As a little girl, I didn't realize that English wasn't a phonetic language and was very confused when I came to the States and people started speaking to me. What I've been a little curious about is what my parents were thinking, leaving me in the care of my uncle... and what he was thinking taking me to the UN when I was seven years old. But that's material for another post.

Finally, some sweet things have happened. El Niño has a few new words: hello, morning, yo-yo, hat, Whoo-Oo for his beloved, and newt (for nose, it's a hybrid of the Spanish and English words). I also caught him yesterday trying to get his nipple up to his lips; perhaps he's hoping to nurse himself? LOL! The happiest news is that we may finally have a breakthrough in our attempts to partially wean: he seems to really like Oat milk.

Six things?

2006-04-13T18:07:00.000-04:00

hmmmm, we've been tagged by HeatherJ at Life in MamaLand (go check her out). Our first meme! Apparently I'm supposed to share six weird facts/things/habits about myself, and I told Mo he has to do it too (since she tagged the blog, not me specifically... see what a PITA I am?). This gives me a good excuse to post, since I've been procrastinating because I've got several topics I've been working on inside my messy-hazy brain.

I don't know how to ride a bike, never learned. What can I say, I seriously had no childhood. Heather, feel free to come and teach me. Mo promised he would, but we've been married almost three years and so far, nada.
I taught myself English when I was four years old because I wanted to read my dad's collection of super-hero comic books. (my first language is Spanish; I was reading & writing and started 1st grade when I was 4yo)
When I was a little girl, my uncle used to take me to the UN to listen to the debates going on there. I'd sit in the visitors' gallery in the dark, with the headphones on and flipping through the simultaneous-translation channels, fascinated at the amount of languages available for me to listen to & learn. I really thought someday I would learn to speak most of the world's languages.
I didn't inherit whatever "girl" gene it is that makes lots of females capable of doing cool things with their hair, put on makeup, decorate their homes, sew, knit, etc. I feel strangely alien when I go to a place like JoAnn's, and like a kid in a candy store when I go to Home Depot. While I really want to learn how to sew and crochet someday soon, what I really, really, really want is to learn how to make beautiful wood furniture and wrought iron pieces.
Even though I'm obsessive about healthy eating, and the food I buy and prepare at home is free from MSG, artificial flavors or colors... I've got a terrible weakness for some types of junk food. The six-dollar burger from Carl's Jr., french fries, fried chicken from the Haggen deli, and dark chocolate Mounds candy bars are my kryptonite. I will not classify pizza as a "bad" food, because I love pizzas loaded with veggies and made with lowfat cheese.
I went to college for four and a half years but have no degree to show for it. I couldn't make up my mind as to what I wanted to be when I grew up, and then had to quit due to an unplanned pregnancy (Mr. Hyde). The worst part is that, at 37 years old, I still don't know what I would study if I'm lucky enough to go back to school. I have a good mind for the law (which is what my family were all pushing me to do for years), I'm fascinated by linguistics, and my personality and interests would seem to steer me towards the field of anthropology.

So, that's it. I could've come up with lots more tantalizing tidbits but I'll stop there. Now comes the hard part: tagging others. I hardly know anyone in the blogosphere well enough to tag 'em. Oh well... I am tagging:

Mom Dukes
Mommymatic
Sweet Chaos in the Haight
PBFish
Mama without instructions
Urf!

RULES
1. Reveal six weird facts/things/habits about yourself and then tag six other people
2. Leave some sort of "Tag... you're it!" comment to let the people you have tagged know they have to reveal six things or the entire blogosphere will explode and it will be their fault
3. Leave *me* a comment letting me know that you have complied with this request.

Gracias ;-)

rambling

2006-04-08T20:37:00.000-04:00

Mo is truly the best... he baked muffins for breakfast this morning, for the first time in his life. (they were really, REALLY yum!) Now, he's just asked me if I want him to save the bones he cut out of the pork steaks we bought for tonight's dinner. He's planning on cooking up another one of his wonderful surprises.

Saturdays are my day "off", the day he takes over all the household and parental duties. All I have to do is breastfeed. He used to just cook simple meals, because he's never been into food or cooking, like I am. And I had no complaints: he makes excellent burritos, steak and potatoes, etc. No one was feeling deprived around here. But over the last couple of months, he's gotten positively inspired on Saturdays, and I've been regaled with some delicious, unexpectedly complex meals.

I liiiiiiiiike it!
***

I just caught this story about starving elk on the news. It's awful.

I don't understand why we humans are capable of so much beauty, art, music, and incredible feats of engineering but we don't seem to be able to balance the needs of the human and animal populations of this Earth. We have to find ways to do it, we HAVE to. I'm sickened by images of starving people all over the world, and I'm sickened by these images of beautiful animals, dying because they're starving in a nature "preserve".

setting boundaries

2006-04-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it seems to me that most people's problems arise out of a lack of healthy boundaries. God knows most of MY problems have come about because of this. My family is so freaking dysfunctional, Mo's shocked I didn't grow up to be a serial-killer. That bad. I don't even talk to my mother anymore. My stomach knots up at the thought of it.

Ever since El Niño was born, I've worked hard at living drama-free. Because for the longest time, my life resembled a freaking soap opera. I was a classic codependent, and that just wasn't cutting it for me, my husband or my kids. Part of being a good parent is teaching children about healthy boundaries. Your body belongs to you and no one else. Adults don't need to ask *children* for help, they should ask another adult. When someone wants to fight, the best course of action is to walk away... unless they've got you pinned down or cornered, then you fight like hell to break free and get away as fast as you can. Blahblahblah.

Last night, Mo and I were trying to convey some more boundaries to Mr. Hyde. He's 14yo, which can be an age of life-altering, hormone-driven choices, and his ADHD further predisposes him to shitty judgement and boundary-setting. So we tried to address the issue of his current "job" with one of our neighbors, and it pretty much blew up in our faces.

The neighbor in question is a woman who is in her mid-forties, and on medical disability. She is morbidly obese, diabetic, depressed, has IBS and rheumatoid arthritis. She also used to attend our church but left because she didn't feel anyone "cared" about her... When we moved into our apartment a few months ago, she asked my son if he would take out her garbage nightly, and she would pay him. I thought about asking him to do it for her as a service thing (I don't want to use the word charity) but, I had a bad feeling it wouldn't stop at taking out her garbage, and I decided to try to stay out of it. Notice I said "she asked my son". She asked him first, not me. First strike. But, I really try to be nice and take a whole WWJD approach to others. The problem is, it usually backfires. One night, she wasn't there when Hyde went over. Ok, whatever. She came knocking at 10 o'clock, to ask if he'd come and unload her car for her, then throw out the garbage. Uhhhh, WTF?!?!? Her able-bodied-college-student daughter was with her, and she needs my son to unload her car? at ten-fucking-o'clock, when we're all getting ready for bed? I took a deep breath, and let it go. Then she showed up at our door one day, as Mo and I were getting ready to head out, to ask if we could lend her money to pay for her prescription meds. We lent it to her because we happened to have some and she'd been calling me all week, crying on the phone, telling me how the Social Security people were messing up her disability claim, the county clinic was messing up her prescriptions, yaddayaddayadda. (I know, I'm starting to sound like a heartless bitch, aren't I? let's just say I've been thru this before, with other people, and it *never* ends well) Then she called the other day, wanting Hyde to go with her to the supermarket to "help" her. This, at dinnertime. Finally, on Tuesday, Mo and I came home to find a trash bag at our doorstep. No note, nothing. Inside the bag, dirty. cat. litter. We suspected where it'd come from, and I really had to pray to keep my cool. Last night, Hyde confirmed our suspicions, so I asked him if he thought that was ok or if it was a rude overstepping of boundaries. He thought it was ok because she's paying him to take out her garbage. Mo and I tried to explain to him that just because she's paying him, it doesn't mean he's indentured to her (or we are), and he needs to set boundaries. He got upset, and then apparently said something to her that made her upset... so then she called while I was putting the baby down for the night. I didn't hear about it until this morning, which is a good thing. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to handle it. Mo doesn't want to talk to her at all.

I told Cookie when we met that I'm pretty antisocial, and I don't think she was thoroughly convinced. Maybe she'll read this and understand why. Although, right now she's pulling a disappearing act, which is what I'd love to be doing too... but I've gotta roll up my sleeves & do some setting of boundaries first.

[Update 4/9: I obviously attract the criminally insane. This woman left a letter taped to my door in which she accused me of being immature, ungrateful and a bad Christian, among other things. The old me would've ripped her a new one... but the new me wrote her a polite letter back in which I nicely told her to piss off, and to stay away from me and mine. This is why I avoid people. I have plenty of good, low-maintenance friends, why risk the drama with new people?]

ask and you will receive

2006-04-08T01:36:00.000-04:00

Lesson learned.

Yesterday I was whining about El Niño not eating. Well, things have improved dramatically since I wrote that. All of a sudden, he decided to eat all the cereal in his snack trap, and half a pear, and half an Odwalla bar. I was so happy, I figured that was his dinner. But no, he devoured spaghetti with meat sauce at dinnertime and impatiently grunted at me when it was all gone, because I was such a spaz I didn't realize he'd want some of the broccoli on my plate too! I'm happy to record for posterity that we seem to be over the hump and he's back to his normal eating habits. He's even sipped some more of the yoghurt milk in his straw cup, so there is hope for some gentle, partial weaning to occur.
***

Having learned my lesson above, I guess I should now complain about the fact that my beloved Mo is currently working a job that uses less than 3% of his brain capacity and pays two-thirds what he was making at his previous job, the one he got laid off from. My husband is brilliant, hard-working and an organizational wonder. I wish the currently SUCKY Portland job market would cough up a job for him that was challenging and offered better compensation. He's looked and looked, sent his resume out so many times... Please. He deserves better.

And don't get me started on my car. Mo's got it as MacGyver'd as his mechanical skills have allowed, and it's running sorta ok. But it seriously needs some professional mojo, which we currently can't afford (that's where good job compensation comes in handy).

I should probably quit now before I spill all my gripes.

double-take

2006-04-06T18:57:00.000-04:00

I walked out of my room to see the following:

Betcha can't guess what it is, even though I'm sure you can guess what I thought it was...

would you like to swing on a star?

2006-04-06T14:55:00.000-04:00

... or would you rather be a mule?

I'm in a mule-ish mood... maybe it's the fact that my stomach hurts, has been hurting for over a week and I can't figure out how to make it (the pain, not my stomach) go away. Or the fact that El Niño is still barely eating since he had the flu two weeks ago. I love breastfeeding but being his *only* source of sustenance right now is not pleasant. It feels like he's gonna suck up a kidney any minute. He's survived the last week on minute amounts of cereal and Odwalla bars. I've been making all his favorite foods, trying to get him to start eating again, with very limited success. I dunno, maybe his tummy hurts too. Or maybe it's the freakin' incisors he's cutting right now. Whatever it is, I'm seriously losing it. It was bad enough that I hadn't been able to persuade him to drink anything other than water from a sippy or straw cup. And this child is on a growth spurt, so this is no joke. I mixed up a bit of his banana yoghurt with milk in his straw cup this morning, he sipped a little of it and didn't totally get disgusted (like he usually does with plain milk). But he doesn't want to look at the cup now. In fact, he shut closed the straw part.
***

Mad props to CityMama today for saying some things that need to be said. Peace out.

did I ever mention how lazy I am?

2006-04-05T02:36:00.000-04:00

ehhh, I really, really am. It's so much easier to post pictures (I also LOVE Picasa, again because I'm so lazy) than to sit here and try to be all deep about my feelings and thoughts, right? Right. I figure I should be getting some interesting visits from people wanting to check out my naked breast... LOL, gotcha suckazzzz!

Anyway, here's some of the rest of our day in pictures... and, I should also take this opportunity to say that it's obvious Mo and I aren't the best photographers. We definitely need to learn to tweak the shutter speed and aperture on the camera instead of relying on the auto setting. Then maybe our pictures will be better, like Dutch's.

the Traveling Kozy serves as a high-chair substitute while El Niño eats his "peet-ZAH"

here we are with the Oregon Zoo's Cascade Mountain Goat in the background. It hardly ever hangs out where you can see it, so we were happy to get it in the shot, even if it looks more like a ghost than an actual animal.

the Zoo's gift shop has this gigantic, goofy-looking bear that scares the crap out of El Niño. Except that Daddy's almost as big as the bear, so it's ok when he walks up to it.

ahhhhh, Portlandia!

2006-04-05T02:23:00.000-04:00

We had a wonderfully warm & sunny day today, and I just had to go out and take some more pictures before the Traveling Kozy leaves for Alaska tomorrow. One of my favorite spots in Downtown Portland is the Michael Graves-designed Portland Building. Since I can't look at the Statue of Liberty on a regular basis, Portlandia will do. I have a weakness for sculpture, especially outdoor sculpture.

Hollywood

2006-04-03T16:43:00.000-04:00

Ok, pet peeve: when the hell did it become news what the weekend box-office take is/was?

I can honestly say that I couldn't care less which movie beat out which last weekend, or the weekend before, or last year... does anyone else really care, outside the film industry?

The Naked Breast

2006-04-03T02:51:00.000-04:00

(where I climb up on my soapbox)

"we've been breastfeeding & bed-sharing for 1 year, 8 months, 3 weeks and 3 days"

This is what one of my tickers says (I'm a freak for tickers and counter boxes but that'll merit its own post soon enough) and, in case you're wondering at the use of the word "we", most people don't realize how much this has been a joint decision, which really bugs me. I don't mean "we" as in the baby and I... this is something Mo and I have discussed, chosen, worked on and adapted ourselves to. I've wanted to write about this subject for a week now because I thought about it a lot when El Niño and I came down with the flu. There must be some huge cosmic vibe that's seeping into others on the internet because it turns out that Dooce, Sweet Juniper and Daddy Types are also on this parenting-landmine wavelength. I decided not to check any other blogs until I wrote down my thoughts because I didn't want to be responding to someone else's post.

My first son came home from the hospital on a very user-friendly schedule. Maybe this is because he was a preemie and they kept him in the NICU for a week, so by the time I got him home he was programmed. But I don't really think so, I don't think a week would be enough to imprint such a profound, personality-driven behavior in a newborn. I never had problems getting him to sleep ANYwhere, at any time. At three weeks old, he rolled over and I had to move him from the bassinet to his crib, in his own room (across the hall from mine). He did suck his thumb for a few years but I'd seen him do that in every sonogram I'd had, and I'd done it myself when I was little, so I knew it was natural and he'd someday stop. As long as he had his thumb and some blankie or burp-cloth he could use as a lovey -- like Linus from Peanuts -- he was golden. Eventually he stopped wanting a blankie, and his thumb became a thing of the past by age four.

When El Niño was born, I thought things wouldn't be all that different and stocked up on blankets. It didn't take long for me to realize things would be very different this time around: we only slept three hours his first night outside the womb. He would only sleep while next to my breast. I was so confused, I HAD been a baby-parent before... I should be an old pro at this, right? Mo convinced me to try co-sleeping, something I thought I was dead-set against. Because, the baby could suffocate or develop an unhealthy dependence or something!?!?! And THAT was the beginning of the end for me, for what was left of the old me. See, even though I grew up in a fairly "hippie" environment and I've always been one to flout convention, this co-sleeping/bed-sharing thing gave me pause. Yet looking back on it now, I'm SO grateful for it, and for Mo's attitude and support.

My way of doing things has always been to sit and read up on whatever it is, to do research. This is how I wound up moving to Oregon, how I cut out foods from my diet to more than halve the incidence of my migraines, and how I found the church I attend. So, after a few days of "closet" bed-sharing and feeling helpless because my new baby would never be happy unless he was in some way enjoying skin-to-skin contact, I sat at the computer and looked it up, and found information on Attachment Parenting. The hook for me was that it wasn't rule-based, and that we were advised to try to raise our child as if we were on a deserted island, relying on our instincts and love, instead of books and experts and the opinions of everybody and their mother. Huh! That kinda made scary sense to me. I've never liked sleeping alone and have had cats to keep me company in bed most of my life... the feeling of another warm body next to mine has always been a comforting, soothing balm for me. I also had night terrors for years (which El Niño has had too), and as an adult have had to resort many times to using prescription meds to help me sleep. So, why would I believe that my utterly helpless & dependent infant needs less physical comfort than I do for a peaceful night's sleep?

I want to be clear that I don't think this is the right solution for every family, or for every baby. I get very. annoyed. when I tell people that this is what we've found works with THIS baby, and still they insist on conveying their horror and disbelief at our choice. If I thought this would harm my child, I wouldn't do it. If I thought it would harm our marriage, I wouldn't do it. Intimacy is always brought up, as if the only place two people can be intimate is a bed, at night. Puhh-leeze! Our intimacy is great, thank you. It *would* be better if not for the fact that Mo goes to work at 5:30am every day and is exhausted by the time he comes home, and the fact that we don't want to risk another pregnancy right now so we have to be very careful (apparently we're both Über-fertile). But the fact that our child's sleeping in our bed is a non-issue for us.

El Niño's constant need for me also *forced* me to bond with him, and this is a good thing. Looking back, I think I had a mild case of PPD after his birth... we hadn't even been married a year, Mo was working in construction because he'd been laid off, and we were so broke we weren't sure how we'd pay the bills and/or eat... things were really scary for me, for us. Oh, and I was really hoping for a daughter, as shallow as that sounds. If I'd been able to put that baby down and walk away from him, if he'd been as quiet and sleepy as his older brother was, I'm not sure how much warmth and attention he would've gotten. By spending all this time with him, nursing and sleeping together and holding him all the time (thank God for baby carriers and my discovery of them!) I've tapped into a part of me I didn't know existed. I've learned to love, nurture and share in new ways, healthier ways for ME. So has Mo. It's not only made us better parents but better partners.

And my baby sleeps snuggled up against my naked breast.

Astoria, OR

2006-03-31T02:33:00.000-05:00

I love Oregon. When I left Puerto Rico twelve years ago, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel "at home" anywhere. Eventually I came to Oregon, looked around, and realized I'd finally found my place in the world, so I quickly moved here. I haven't wanted to leave since, and used to resent business trips that took me away for more than a couple of days.

Today we went to Astoria and had a great time. One of the highlights of this daytrip was going to the Astoria Column. I'm tired and still nursing the tail end of a bad flu, so I'll just let the pictures speak for me. The weather was a bit icky, so I'll have to post pictures of all this again in the Summer...

looking at the mouth of the Columbia River where it meets the Pacific.

This is the column, we're standing at the door, ready to climb up the stairs to go up to the viewing platform.

better picture of the mouth of the Columbia, and the bridge that leads to Washington State.

a view of Youngs Bay

behold the face of MISERY!

2006-03-24T20:56:00.000-05:00

El Niño has finally gotten sick with something worse than a bit of the sniffles. For the first time, he threw up last night. And today, the output came out the other end... luckily, we were standing in the bathroom when it happened. Ahhhh, the joys of potty training a sick toddler!

I've been wondering about this child for a while now. Every time I read another parent blog, there are tales of nightmarish puke-fests. His older brothers were both projectile-vomiters from day one. Yet with him, we haven't even had to deal with spit-up. It's a very odd thing, I've been waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Hooray for the health benefits of breastmilk, right? And for Mo's Über-immune system, which he's apparently passed on to our child. Except that he's the one who brought the ick home this time.

And that's all she wrote... after 48 hours of little sleep and round-the-clock breastfeeding and holding (thank God I discovered baby carriers!) of a miserable sick baby, I'm beginning to feel like a sickie too.

the Traveling Kozy in Oregon

2006-03-23T18:21:00.000-05:00

we took it on a daytrip outside the Portland Metro yesterday...

Multnomah Falls

Latourell Falls

next week, we're taking the Traveling Kozy to the beach!

poa pratensis

2006-03-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

This was the "final Jeopardy" clue last night: poa pratensis is the plant one state in the US is most commonly known for. Closet botanist that he apparently is, Mr. Hyde ran out of his room yelling it was Kentucky Bluegrass! Mo and I nearly fell on our asses when Alex came back and told the contestants, none of whom answered correctly, what it was. This kid is a riddle inside a mystery, wrapped in an enigma. *sigh* HOW does he know this stuff? And WHY does he maintain a 2.0 GPA, when he obviously has the intelligence and memory-capacity to do so much better?!?!?

I've caught myself telling him how much potential he has, and how he's throwing it away. Yuk!!! I got that line from my parents, so did Mo. Doesn't work. EVER. So, when I'm capable of rational thought while discussing his abysmal performance at school, I tell him it's about choices. I want him to be able to choose to go to college, and choose which one he'll go to, to choose what he'll do for the rest of his life. I want HIM to choose his destiny. Isn't that something every parent wants? But this is the kid who has always pushed me away, from the moment he was born prematurely he's been pushing me away, trying to do things HIS way. I guess in some way he's going to have to figure this out for himself too, and all I can do is love and support him, in spite of my fears and concerns (valid or otherwise).

Tonight, he'll be running in his first High School Track meet. A relay, and the 3,000 meter. Why do I feel like all I've ever done is watch him run?

cooking up a storm

2006-03-21T16:09:00.000-05:00

I just posted a bunch of recipes over at Sweet Juniper in response to Wood's plea for some... which in turn reminded me that one of my goals for this blog was to record what we've been eating on a regular basis (along with the recipes), for reference later on in my life. This is because I've noticed that over the years, some recipes become weekly standbys for a while, then for whatever reason I just drop them & they wind up relegated to limbo. It's the same thing that happens to me with friends, I guess. I'd like to figure out why this happens.

Last night's dinner was easy because we had some leftover red snapper and salmon that had been cooked in basil butter on Saturday night. All I had to cook was some white rice, the green beans (before they spoiled), and heat up the previously cooked-and-frozen PRican Navy beans. Not bad, as far as weekday meals go. I got a wild hair and decided to cook the green beans the same way we like to cook our asparagus: in the toaster oven, drizzled w/ extra-virgin olive oil, salt & pepper, at 500º for about 10 minutes. Eeeeeasy, fast and crunchy.

Mo will eat pretty much anything, as long as he feels full when he's done. His requirements are fairly straightforward and simple. Unlike me. I need at least one meal a day that appeals to all my senses (and sensibilities). Color, aroma, texture... I've often compared the experience of cooking and eating to making love. I'm looking for sensory overload in order to feel satiety. Mr. Hyde has grown up in this kind of food-obsessed environment and is quite the food critic already. As a baby, he ate so heartily and so much, there were times when I'd joke that someday he was going to take a bite out of me.

My problem now is El Niño. He isn't picky per se, just very particular about what he likes and doesn't like. Add to that the typical independence of the 20-month-old who wants to feed himself, throw in a few food allergies, and it's a freaking miracle that he manages to eat anything at all. Most of the rice and beans I gave him last night wound up all over his clothes, high chair, and the floor. He wouldn't even look at the fish, and didn't touch the green beans. Tonight I'm planning to make a whole roasted lemon-chicken, which I know he'll eat because he loves roasted meats (not smushy ones, like in soup or stews). My dilemma now is what to make to go with the chicken. The last time I made stuffing as a side, he didn't eat it. I could make the stuffing for us and give the baby some leftover rice... but I hate not giving him the same stuff we're eating. Part of my child-rearing "philosophy" is that children should always have the occasion/opportunity to eat the same things their elders do, so they're not always eating chicken nuggets and hot dogs. I'm always irritated by people who say this or that food is too "good" to give to children... WTF? How are they going to develop a taste for it, if they never eat it? So, maybe I'll give him a little of both and see what happens.

It's also a challenge to cook *with* a baby who will not be distracted easily. Sometimes I have to strap him into one of the carriers we have and put him on my back or hip so I can cook, if Mo and Mr. Hyde aren't home to help keep him busy and I'm gonna be a while in the kitchen. Maybe that's why it's been a while since I've made the more complicated and yummy dishes in my repertoire, like asopao or arroz con pollo. Now that I think of it, I've never made lasagna for Mo, even though we both love it and it used to be one of my special-occasion dishes. Must. plan. to. cook. lasagna. SOON!
###

Roasted Lemon Chicken

Preheat oven to 375º

1 whole chicken
basil, tarragon or sage (pick one, each has a very distinctive taste that complements chicken & lemon very well)
salt & pepper to taste, or Goya adobo (seasoning salt)
1 lemon, or 1/2 cup ReaLemon (I hardly ever plan meals well enough to have fresh lemons on hand)

Clean the chicken, trimming excess fat from the cavity areas, any feather quills and bits of skin & giblets left behind in the processing plant. Put chicken in the roasting pan you'll cook it in. With your fingers, gently separate the skin from the breast meat. If using a whole lemon, wash thoroughly then prick it all the way around with a fork and insert in the chest cavity. If using the ReaLemon, try to coat the chicken with it, get it under the skin (a baster helps with this), inside the cavity... Then season w/ salt & pepper or adobo, tucking some of the seasoning under the skin as well as rubbing it on the outside of the skin. Also tuck whichever herb you picked under the skin, over the breast meat. Cook in oven for 90 - 105 minutes. Check throughout the cooking period and baste the chicken in its rendered juices a couple of times after the first half hour. Once removed from the oven, allow the chicken to rest for at least ten minutes before carving. Oh, if you cook it with the lemon inside the chest cavity, remove the lemon *immediately* after you take the chicken out of the oven.

(this recipe is my adaptation of Sally Schneider's recipe that appears in The Art of Low-Calorie Cooking)

International Women's Day

2006-03-08T11:52:00.000-05:00

yup, it's today and I hope women who don't know why this day exists will read about it and not only appreciate that we've come a long way (baby!) but how far we still need to go. With the continuously-stoked "mommy wars" and the little progress that has been made in the areas of affordable health care, education & childcare, and the prevalence of violence towards women and children (in the US and worldwide) my prayer for today is that all of us, ALL of us who are human, will do a little something extra to advocate for real change and improvements. We owe it to ourselves and our children.

Read even more about it at Wikipedia, InfoPlease, and for an events schedule see your local news organization's website or check this official list.

venting

2006-03-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

I am NOT a morning person, I never have been. I choose to go to our "late" service at church (10:30am) because trying to get out the door any earlier than that on a Sunday is an assault and outrage to my body and mind. However, our parenting class is taught every other Sunday at 8:30am and I am willing to make sacrifices for the sake of my family's happiness. By the time yesterday's class was over, I'd dug deep inside me and unearthed some stuff that rattled my spirit, so I was looking forward to the church service and the opportunity to nurse my weary soul (and body, and mind).

Turns out, no one was on the schedule to work in the Nursery during the 10:30am service. Since I have a 19mo child in there, I went ahead and took the extra shift to help out(I'm scheduled for the fouth Sunday of every month). Now, I've been to church conferences where the speakers actually ask people to ACT like Christians towards one another in the crowded parking lot as they leave, and I'm reminded of that every time I work in the church nursery. I need an extra measure of grace and patience towards my fellow parents on those days. See, my church is pretty loosey-goosey, not one of those places where people feel looked down upon and judged. Which is great and has brought a lot of healing to my heart, and to Mo's. But it also means some of the others in attendance are not always functioning at a "do unto others" level. So, yesterday was not a good day for me to be in the nursery...

Open letter to the other parents who use the Nursery

We love your children and hope they will enjoy being here while you participate in our service. However, in order for us to provide the BEST care for all the children who use the Nursery, please help us by:

bringing a snack and a bottle/sippy cup for your child so that they don't go after another child's snack or drink. This is especially important if your child has the appetite of a T-Rex and a habit of grabbing whatever he wants out of someone else's hands.
leaving only those things which are necessary for us to care for your child. This does not include your coat, parenting class materials or commuter mugs.
if your child is suffering from separation anxiety, please come in the room and sit with them for a little while before you leave. This will probably help them with the transition. By bringing them into the room and refusing to acknowledge that they don't want to stay, you are making them feel rejected and putting the nursery worker in charge of an overly distraught child, on top of the other children that are there with various needs for attention. One child wailing tends to upset the others and cause a domino effect of crying.
once you have left the room, please don't come back unless it's time to take your child home or change their diaper. Please do NOT come back for your cellphone, car keys, coat or checkbook. Your child will see you and want to go with you, and will most likely get very upset when you leave right away without them. If you just want to check on them, we have a very nice one-way window for you to look in from the hallway.
taking a minute to talk to the nursery workers about your child before and after dropping them off. Our nursery workers are other parents, just like you. They may have questions for you or have something important to tell you, especially after observing them play with others (or not) for two hours.

the unbearable gravity of being

2006-03-06T02:22:00.000-05:00

I made pork roast, white rice and beans tonight for dinner. It doesn't get any more PuertoRican than that, unless you fry something...

Cooking has been my refuge for years. I learned to cook when I was eight, because my mother stopped cooking after my parents' divorce and I quickly got sick of eating canned or frozen dinners. I never learned to sew, crochet or knit but early on, I kicked ass in the kitchen. It was not only something I could do for survival but also to please and impress others. And it was something I could control, I could control amounts and outcomes in a way that I've hardly ever been able to control other aspects of my life. When I'm stressed, I cook. Something that requires lots of chopping and paying close attention to what I'm doing. That way, I can stop thinking. Except when I can't, and then things don't turn out right. Like tonight. For whatever reason, my energy "flow" perhaps, nothing on my stove cooked in the amount of time that it should've. We actually ate our dessert first, and even then the roast wasn't cooked, the rice came out a little crunchy and the squash in the beans needed about another hour to be edible... *sigh*

So, why am I stressed? A little over a week ago, Mo and I came home to find our 14-year-old, now Mr. Hyde, had run away. He wasn't home and his backpack was gone with him. It was obvious that he wasn't planning on coming back home that night. He left a garbled message on the answering machine, so I had reason to hope that he hadn't done something extremely stupid and dangerous. I cried my eyes out and then, when I was too exhausted to keep crying, found a recent picture to take to the police, if we got to the point where we decided we had to get an Amber Alert put out. How did it come to this? When did we become such horrible people that our son can't stand to live with us?

He's home now and we're seeing a therapist to work on the anger and rebellion, and the family dynamic that is NOT working for any of us. Mo and I are also taking a Parenting Class at church, based on the "love and logic" principles. I'm also planning to read up on Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting approach to see what we can use to benefit ALL four boys. But right now it feels like we have a big elephant in the middle of our living room, one that none of us know how to address...

Nothing in my life prepared me for this. I didn't know that I could bust my butt and try to do everything I thought was right, and my son could still be so angry at me, still feel so unloved that he'd be willing to chuck us out of his life. People constantly ask me if it's hard to have such a huge age gap between my sons and I always respond that no, it helps. It reminds me that the surly guy with questionable hygiene that I'm often at odds with was once my sweet baby. It reminds me that I've struggled for years to teach him and guide him and raise him up right and now is not the time to give up on him. No matter how much he fights me, I still need to teach him and guide him and nurture him. Even as I'm choking back tears or angry words. Even as I feel an ulcer spawning inside me.

Measure 37

2006-02-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

I will try to avoid rants on this blog, only because I often try to avoid rants altogether (I usually wind up with a migraine when I rant, which is NOT fun). And because Mo and I do not always agree when it comes to politics. However, the Oregon Supreme Court ruled today that Measure 37 is legal, and I understand why they did... I really, really do. It's just that I now have to pray that somehow we amend this thing or vote it away or something. This state's land-use measures have been praised and studied by other states and countries. Having come from a place that is overdeveloped (I'm referring to both Puerto Rico and California now), I hope and pray that the voters of this state will find a happy medium, a way to preserve the land-use policies that benefit most of us, and compensate the *few* people who are actually hurt by them. NOT the developers who would overbuild the place and pave everything over with ridiculous strip malls, business parks and cookie-cutter crapola McMansions.

That's it. I feel a twinge of pain at the side of my head. I better go while the going's good.

I'm homesick

2006-02-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

Or in and out of a weird funk. The whole point of starting a blog was to get back into writing and, so far I haven't. I used to be able to sit and just write. A poem. An essay. An article. I could make shit up, or pour out my guts through my fingers and it was usually really good. Now... ehhh. After Dr. Jekyll was born, I felt like my creative voice took off, the way my favorite cat Sambuca did a few days after El Niño was born: ran out the door one night and looked back at me in disgust, one last time before the darkness swallowed her up. I mourn them both.
###

Today, Mo and I tackled a bunch of boxes that we'd stored in our teen's room when we moved. They'd been out of sight, out of mind for two months now and it was time to get it done. Lemme just say that it sucks balls to move from a three-bedroom house in the country, with a garage, to a two-bedroom apartment (with an upstairs neighbor who vacuums at all hours, WTF?). We have too much stuff, which is ridiculous considering how pared-down our existence has been for years. So today, a couple years' worth of Food & Wine magazines got tossed, which made me feel like someone was ripping my flesh off, and two boxes worth of stuff got packed for Goodwill. We have a lot of pet stuff we need to take & donate to the people at the pound. And we're still not even close to being done. I still have to list the giganto-stroller travel system on Craig's List, as well as the crib mattress that got used -- for naps -- maybe ten times. I still have to find a place to put all these books and kitchen stuff and wedding stuff (like my gown, WHAT am I supposed to do with my gown???) that I don't want to have to part with... It doesn't help that El Niño likes to take everything he can reach off whatever shelf it's on. Makes for a hectic day around here, daily. And, if you want a taste of HELL, talk to your teenage son about keeping his room clean. You may as well ask him to pull his own teeth, with pliers.

One of the things I found in those boxes was the VHS tape of The Jungle Book, the animated Disney classic that is one of my favorites of all time. I used to listen to the soundtrack on Sunday mornings as a little girl with my jazz-loving dad. We'd listen to Peter and The Wolf, narrated in Spanish, the sountrack for Jungle Book and/or Fantasia (my dad's favorite Disney movie), and then some Benny Goodman.

It was El Niño's turn to watch The Jungle Book today, for the first time. He enjoyed most of it. He likes Finding Nemo too. And I missed my dad, I missed what it would've been like to still have him alive. Eighteen years later, and I still miss him so much. He would've loved his grandsons and noted the irony that he never had sons but his daughters were blessed with plenty of them. He would've drawn things for my boys, I'm sure. And taught Dr. Jekyll about world history and politics. My dad, the cartoonist, would've loved the movies coming out of Pixar studios.

Thinking about my dad makes me think of Puerto Rico, makes me long for the beach and the food and the music. It reminds me of the guilt I feel for having abandoned the land of my birth, contributing to the "brain drain" because I couldn't stand the politics, the corruption, the crime, the poverty of intellect and discourse... he worked his whole life to make a difference there, and none of his daughters live on the island, none of us keep fighting in his name. Home is Oregon now, except when I remember the sound and smell of the surf and I crave the song of the coquí. Someday I'll take Mo there, I'll take El Niño snorkeling and we'll all look for hermit crab together. In a few years, we have to.

damn... I lost it!

2006-02-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

so, I had this beautiful thing written up, I literally choked up reading it out loud to Mo. And then El Niño woke up, and life got a little crazy... and I lost the post! So, until I get inspired again, here are some pics taken last night. It figures that the only time he'd leave sunglasses on would be indoors, at night. This is my child.

family fun

2006-02-04T19:42:00.000-05:00

Mo & I are kissing goodbye and our 14-year-old son starts making hurling noises. It's hard to kiss properly when we're both laughing...

me: "Stop! You're just jealous cuz you don't have anyone you can kiss..."

Dr Jekyll : " Yeah, and who's fault is that? Yours, cuz I can't go anywhere or do anything!"

me: "No. The girls just aren't impressed with your flavor-saver." (referring to the 1 inch of hair-growth above his lip)

Mo: "His flavor-saver? Do you mean his teeth?"

#####

Dr Jekyll (lying on the floor with a look of abject misery on his face): "I'm bored"

me: "if you say that one more time, I'm gonna give you something to clean! In fact, from now on, every time you say that I'm gonna give you something to clean."

pause

Dr Jekyll: "I'm un-occuppied!"

no clue...

2006-02-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

"ahhh-pí-ya-WAH? ahhh-pí-ya-WAHWAH! ah-Pí ah-Pí ah-Pí-ya-WAAAAAHHHHHH"

That's it, El Niño's most recent proclamation to the masses, erm... the immediate family. All day long, this is what he tells us, with the most earnest look on his face. SO earnest, really I can't even tell you what those little grey eyes do to my heart when he looks at me that way.

I cannot for the life of me figure out what it means. It may have something to do with a certain cd that appears to affect his brain like crack.

The other cute thing he's started doing is, when you ask him if he wants to do something and he doesn't, he'll turn his face partly & look shyly and say "no!" very softly, almost like he doesn't want to say it. But he's very sure of himself, trust me on this.

Oh, and he says "ee-yaya" for giraffe. I'm loving that too.

the good, the bad and the ugly...

2006-01-28T15:30:00.000-05:00

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Kozy

This morning I decided to check on my babywearing peeps over at TBW and found out that we will indeed be participating in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Kozy. I'm sooooooo excited about this, I actually signed up back in August and wasn't sure if we'd be picked or not. So you know, the Sisterhood is an effort by one mamma to spread the love around the world to other families via one of her carriers. As the plan was falling into place, one of the other mammas who signed up suggested that everyone participating make a small donation ($5) to be used towards a new Kozy carrier which will be donated to a women's shelter. We all embraced the idea, and a plan was formed. We should be receiving it in about a month! I'll post some pics then.

Even though I hate the term "babywearing" (brings awful visions of the Fur Industrial Complex to mind), I do love carrying my babe in one of the two carriers we have at the moment. He loves it too. If we were able to afford it at all, I'd own a LOT more carriers -- it's like jewelry or shoes, you want to accessorize! Forget diaper bags or strollers, I want a few more MeiTais, a couple of pouches, and I really wouldn't mind an Onbuhimo and a nice wrap. I love the freedom & closeness of having my baby next to me without killing my arms in the process and, intellectually, I love the history & tradition behind babywearing. Now you know.

got milk?

ok, so I have no idea how to try to get El Niño to drink milk. It'd be nice to wean him a *little* off the breast at this point. He'll drink water from his sippy cup and his new Dora straw cup (he loves this thing, almost as much as he loves Dora) but if I put milk in either of them, forget it. It's like you're trying to poison him. I've tried mixing up the milk with some yoghurt, and I've tried vanilla soymilk but nada, no-go. I'd really like some ideas on what else I can try, please?

pinching a loaf???

... or dropping the kids off at the pool? Well, until recently, I'd never heard these quaint American expressions. Mind you, I've spoken English for the last 31 years of my life and have lived on the West Coast for the last 12, yet I was still confused as to what people were referring to when I first heard them. AH-hemmmm, now I know (if you still don't after reading this entry, email me & I'll hook you up). El Niño dropped the kids off at the [bath]tub yesterday. We'd skipped any attempt at potty-training on Thursday because congestive misery had taken hold of our little family unit. But I was back at it yesterday and, after an unproductive 10 minutes on the toilet, I put him in the tub for a nice relaxing shower with me. By the time my clothes were off, I turned around to find... well, you can guess what I found. Fun times!

He later went pee-pee in the potty, when his Daddy asked him to. *sigh*

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So, since I'm now familiar with these lovely American expressions, I'd like to share a few of my own PuertoRican ones that are part of our gringo household.

debating the immortality of the crab = engaging in a futile argument, one which can never end or change anyone's mind (sounds like most of the conversations we have with our teenage son)

scare (or spook) the cold = to warm something just enough so that it's not cold from the fridge

with patience and saliva... = this is one of the strangest ones I encountered back home in PR, I found an actual dictionary of folk words and expressions compiled by an Anthropology student and the entire saying is "with patience and saliva, an elephant [penetrated] an ant". Ok, so it's all about persistence folks!

please allow me to introduce myself

2006-01-26T13:59:00.000-05:00

So... I guess it's time to introduce myself: I'm Mo, the Gringo. Honey and I are new to blogging (I'm a lot newer than her) and as she's stated, this will be a nice place to vent, to write about things that are important to us or just stuff we think is fun. As you will quickly learn, the majority of the posts will be coming from her. I'm still trying to warm to this whole thing. I'm not against it, however, I am just a little shy and not as deep as she thinks I am (inside joke). I'll probably fill you in on this later.

Honey is home with Mr. Boy during the day while I eke out a modest living. I wish she got paid for what she does, she does all the real work. I sit at a desk doing this-n-that (nothing exciting) while she deals with runny noses, potty training, feedings... well, you know what I mean. After she takes care of these things all day, I get to come home to an enthusiastic "Da-ddyyyyyy!" from a running, arms outstretched, ready-for-a-hug little boy. I get to enjoy the rewards of all her hard work.

I try and give her relax-time on the weekends. I can't go too far or be gone for a long period of time with the baby due to the fact that I don't have what he MUST HAVE every hour or so. Mr Boy is still nursing 'round-the-clock, which I think is great but it doesn't lend well for me taking off for the afternoon and leaving her to read a book or take a long bath. I do what I can and I know she appreciates it.
I've learned so much from Honey, and am glad we'll have this place where others will get to benefit from all of her insights as well as be able to feel the warmth from her beautiful heart.

So, some general info about me. I enjoy watching sports, all sports (but I don't let them interfere with other things). I'll watch whatever I can, when I can but I don't let them rule my life. If it comes down to watching a football game or going to the park with Honey and Mr. Boy, I'll go to the park any time. Same goes for hanging out with the teenage son living with us. I really like to ski but due to our current circumstances and financial constraints, I haven't been in a few years. I'm not the greatest skier but I do ok and have been skiing since I was 13. I read about two books a month (on MAX and during lunch, I'm way too tired at night to try and read, I'd just pass out, so I just veg in front of the TV for an hour or so before I fall asleep). I'm always looking for good titles, so recommendations are welcome. I'll read just about anything that is well-written, I don't limit myself to specific genres.

Well, that should do it for now. If you haven't been put to sleep or aren't considering suicide after reading this, I hope you'll be back -- if not for me, at least for my lovely and talented wife.

miscellanea

2006-01-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

Sr. Niño and I are under the weather today. Blah. Lots of sniffles, teething misery and round-the-clock breastfeeding. This, after waking me up at 5:40am.

Yesterday, toootally different day. The sun was out, birds were chirping and Yummy-Niño peed in the potty TWICE. We went to the zoo, all the animals were out enjoying the balmy weather & and he chatted with everyone. *sigh*

Now he's doing a raindance in our bedroom, apparently it's too early for him to go to bed...

I hate Mondays (whine)

2006-01-23T16:21:00.000-05:00

hatehatehatehatehate Mondays!

On Saturdays and Sundays, I look over when I wake up and there he is, my husband. The man whose very existence gives me faith in humanity. My rock. Mo's side of the bed was empty this morning when I woke up. Blah. He has to work and be away from us all day, all week... and to top it off, he's taking a class this semester on MONDAY NIGHTS. Double blah!

I read a post by Dooce recently where she talks about how good it's been for their family to have her husband home after he quit his job. She wrote it in response to some reader criticism to the changes she'd made to her popular blog. I loved that post. Especially the last three sentences. If I could do what she's doing, I'd have my husband home with me EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. Make no mistake about it.

Then, I was watching the Today show this morning (usually the right amount of perky to distract me) and they discussed Newsweek's cover story about how the educational system is failing boys. No shit, REALLY?!?!? I've been living with this for the last nine years, it's about time someone raised the issue at the national level. I've got a lot to say on this so, it'll be in another post. And I'm hoping Mo will add his own two cents' to this discussion (no pressure, mi amor, ok?)

brushing teeth

2006-01-21T21:04:00.000-05:00

(actual conversation with my 14-year-old son, aka Dr. Jekyll)

Dr. Jekyll: wow! He really likes brushing his teeth...
(points to his 18-month-old brother, gumming a finger toothbrush)

me: yeah, I wish you did too...

Dr. Jekyll: well, I'd like brushing my teeth too if somebody else did it for me!

me: uh, hello? Are you kidding me, how old are you?

***
It always goes downhill once I ask him that question...

the Sultan of Tye-Dye

2006-01-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

making sofrito

2006-01-20T14:28:00.000-05:00

sofrito is a Spanish word for a blend of savory ingredients, herbs & spices that are sauteed in order to flavor stews, soups, etc. Each cook tends to have their own custom blend/proportion for the ingredients used... and my way of making sofrito is very non-traditional for a Puerto Rican. Mo just calls it "the obligatory green stuff" and scarfs up whatever I serve him.

This marriage partnership of ours is a lot like sofrito... why can't I be a normal person and think of non-food related metaphors? I'm Puerto Rican, he's Irish-American, his ex-wife is Iranian and our four kids are a mixed bunch. More on that later.

I have a LOT to learn about blogging. Mo's been after me for over a year to do this and, procrastinator that I am, it took the Cookies moving to Blogspot to compel me to start writing. It's been forever since I've written for pure pleasure (or sanity), and as it is, I'm currently typing with one hand while holding our 18-month-old sleeping child in my lap. My butt's numb... but naps are rare around here, so WOO-HOO! I hope to find my voice again, and that Mo will figure out he has one to share. I'm inspired and intimidated by the people I regularly read: Greg at daddytypes, Dutch & Wood at sweet juniper, the aforementioned Cookie, the foodie-mamma I'm likely to copy while blogging, and several others I'll link to later. El Niño is now awake & I've gotta go!