How is it the first day of June already??? I feel so unaccomplished: potty-training is still in progress, weaning hasn't even begun, and I have no job prospects. Oh, and my teenage son actually said in counseling on Tuesday that a) he doesn't believe I *really* love him, and b) I fake migraines to get out of doing stuff. Heh.
The rash I've been struggling with for a week and half is still there, still itchy and annoying and spreading from my chest to my arms and neck. I went to see my doctor about it yesterday and he assured me it wasn't contagious, although he had no idea what it could be among any number of skin rashes, then prescribed a steroid cream (isn't that the medical profession's catchall solution?). Hopefully it won't lead to me growing some chest hair, because I'm not sure I can reasonably handle that too. As it is, shaving the usual parts is a bitch; who has all that time? Of course, I did a Google search and found this, which seems quite plausible as it describes *exactly* what I've experienced so far. I'm supposed to call doc tomorrow if the steroid cream isn't working or my voice has deepened, so we'll see. Mo says the rash looks worse today (thanks, Love!), and the itch is still there although not as bothersome. I wonder if this is the reason why I've had a migraine since Saturday? (or am I faking it?)
I dunno... I feel like I'm failing. Like, if I were going to get graded for how I'm doing with my life right now I'd get a D minus. You know what else is bugging the crap out of me? We have a birdfeeder and two birdhouses that were very popular at the house we used to live in. Now they're hung up on our balcony and I have yet to see ONE bird come near any of them. WTF???
ok, enough with the whining. I have to share some good stuff, and then I need to go answer a gazillion emails from people who actually want to go on playdates and stuff with us. But, I've been keeping myself under quarantine, just in case I had some skin version of the bird flu, ya know.
So, El Niño's belting out a new-word-a-day now. Thanks to BMC, I got the idea last week to teach him "help" (sign and word) for those times when he gets frustrated or I need him to cooperate, and whaddayaknoo it worked! We've had great success with it during toy pickup sessions, clothing changes and pretty much everything else we do around here. Yesterday he surprised me while we were singing Old McDonald by saying "dow" while making the sign for cow. And I found out that he also knows the word "rain", which he'd said to Daddy (who didn't share this news with Mami in a timely manner, the big booger).
The other thing that's really cute is that he's definitely a treehugger. Literally. Ever since he was a few months old, he'd reach out towards a tree if we were walking close to it. We'd always smile and walk him over so he could touch it, and he'd get a huge grin on his face. It's one of the most popular signs for him to make and he can spot a tree in a picture, painting, IRL, anywhere. Now that he walks, he likes to walk over to trees and *touch* them, the way most kids like to walk over and pet dogs or other babies... Ehhh, he could grow up to head the Sierra Club someday!
As for Hyde, I don't know what to do about him. There are times when I wish I could put him in a rocket and send him to outer space for a few years. I worry that I can't get past this emotional divide, this anger of his at me, and my correspondent anger and hurt at the fact that all my efforts at being a good parent have seemingly been for naught. I mean, if after everything we've been through he still doesn't believe I love him!?!?! Maybe it's because I let him watch too much television when he was a toddler...
4 comments:
so sorry things are still sucking (here too to a lesser degree) and the rash sounds miserable.
fwiw, i seriously hated my mom when i was a teenager and just couldn't deal with my parents at all. i was really lucky that some of my behavior didn't result in much scarier outcomes. on the other hand, i was pretty good at appearing together to most of the rest of the world. we all got through it and get along very well. i am not super emotionally connected to my mom but there are real reasons for that, not angsty teenage ones. all i ever wanted for her to be when i was being a total heartless bitch was strong, and stable and consistent. i didn't want to know that she was sad and emotional and hurt by me and it only made me push harder. i have no clue if that is common or has any bearing on your situation but it all just flew out here. maybe for a reason.
take care of yourself!
Where to start?
I hope you find yourself feeling better soon.
As for Hyde. Teenage years are so crazy. I still apologize to my parents to this day for the ways I acted, talked, felt, etc. It's like something takes over and they're out of whack for those years. I don't have a teen, so I'm not really speaking from experience other than my own, but there were entire years where I hated my mom. Now we are extremely close. Hang in there, it will get better.
Glad he's learning some new signs, I need to break out some new ones at our house too.
{(((BIG HUGS))} to you. You are not failing at all, you keep trying and fighting and loving even when he doesn't necessarily deserve it. You are a great mom. Do you think that some of his recent hurt might stem from the fact that it used to be just the two of you, all of your love centered on him, and with the birth of El Nino, not to mention the fact that he is an irrational teenager who is very needy (although they would never admit it), he might want all that love back on him.
Also, this is the mantra I repeat to myself on a daily basis: "No matter how hard I try as a parent there will come a time when Cat & Aly will say we screwed them up. No sweat everything". It helps me to just concentrate on being a happy and loving mama.
Aw, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can't imagine how tough that is. I hope I won't ever have to find out :( *hug*
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